.. I Love You But I Love Myself More

I'd be lying if I'd say I've forgotten you.

I'd be lying if I'd say tears don't brim up my eyes when I think of you.

I'd be lying if I'd say I don't love you.

I became permeable when I let you in my heart.

And you consumed me,

much more than what I was willing to relinquish,

There is more of you, than me, in myself now,

You made me grow out of it.

I've fallen out of love.

Those wounds would never heal,

You've left me with one little souvenir,

The one thing, I'll cherish forever,

That still keeps me going,

is Strength.

That cage isn't my home now,

I feel liberated,

I love you

But I love myself more,

And am not ashamed to say so.

These lines have no business in my life. These have been written for those people who let their better half suck all the happiness out of their life, just because they once thought they were meant to be together for eternity. When two people are deeply in love, they promise each other the moon and the sun, but once the veil of adoration starts to lift itself, this love can become a sad,toxic version of itself.

Have the heart to speak up for what you think makes sense and see how the world becomes a beautiful place to live in once again. Love yourself first. Breathe. Make decisions. Love is not supposed to make you miserable.

When I heard Samantha say 'I love You but I love Myself more' in 'The Sex and the City' for the first time, I fell for her all the more.

Painful Escape

This is the diary entry of a 41 year old woman who wants to walk out of her marriage of 20 years, away from Tanuj, the man who never loved her, and into the arms of Akash, the man who acquainted her with true love. Her twin daughters have made it clear that if she does so, she will be a childless woman for the rest of her life.


Dear Diary,

I haven't written you in a long while now. and I've truly missed you. Its time, its time for me to make a decision. My stomach is clenching even as I am writing this, its like somebody is rolling a dough inside it. Its a hard dough. My girls, they are merely 19. Would it be the right thing to do at this time ? I can't afford to lose their love, their warmth, if at all they have some for me. It all feels wrong, and right, both at the same time. I have never been this confused in my entire life. And if I don't make a choice now, my heart will grieve till eternity. Akash has given me all the support and love I was expecting from Tanuj, I had rented my heart and soul to this marriage, but it just isn't working. You are such a patient listener. I wish you could drop a word of advice in desperate times like these.

Silence is engulfing me from all sides, its making me nauseous, its becoming hrad hard to write. See there, I made my first spelling mistake in you. Is this pen trying to humor me ? But I can't stop. It all has to escape my system and pouring it down into the depths of your diaphanous pools of white paper is my only rescue plan.


Last night Tanuj came to my bedroom around 1am. I was wide awake. I sat upright and he sat next to me cupping my hands in his. I thought he was going to lure me into staying or beat me into the argument 'How did you even think of such a thing' but his words were the last things I was expecting out of him at that hour.


He said 'When you first told me about Akash, I was writhing with pure rage. The man in me felt defeated, as if his manhood was being raped off and he could do nothing about it. My wife was falling for another man and I was just a spectator watching the proceedings. But I've been thinking about it since past one week and your facts still hold their truth firmly in place. Why did we never realize that we were falling out of love ? When did it happen ? We have been sleeping in different bedrooms since a decade now. I dismissed this earlier using the excuse 'Everybody needs their own space'. I was such a fool. Anyway, I came today to tell you that you shouldn't stay because of the fear of this society or our girls. They seem to have taken more from me, they will live. I have never given you the love,the care and the support a woman deserves from her better half. I've failed you miserably but now, when somebody else is making you happy, I will support your decision. I owe you that much.'


He said the last words slowly, meaning every syllable of it. He didn't wait for my reply and strode out of the room. I was left dazed. These words were as close as Tanuj had ever got to my heart in these 20 years of our marriage.


But as I'm writing you right now, Tanuj's words are making more and more sense. Why should I worry about this hypocrite society when they don't care one bit for me ? They don't know what I've been through. I dare them to walk a mile in my shoes and then return to have a balanced argument. I have lived 20 years succumbing to my parent's will and 21 years to the man who never loved me. If I have to make a decision it has to be now. Or never.


I'm leaving you unfinished today. The next time I write you, I will be a happy woman.
And by the way, my first wrinkle started to surface today.


Love.

I'm not that into chocolates

Really, tell me, why is that so much of an issue ? I so hate these stipulated standards. If a girl aged 21 does not like to nibble that dirty dark brown bar, why do people gape at her wide-eyed as if she just gave birth to a rabbit.


Little kids look at me in the face and I'm literally terrified that they would punch my fat nose any second screaming 'Why don't you like this dairy milk dammit, it's so fucking yummy !' Okay and this is not just about chocolates. Why should I like every other thing that appeals to you ? I hate furry soft toys, that sticky pasta, red colour ( 86% of the world's population includes red amongst their favourite colors, Of course that is true ) and orange candy as well. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm on the right side now, Oh wait, My bad, I have to back this up a little for you.


I saw a very interesting picture this morning and it set me pondering ever since. It displayed human brain divided into equal halves, just like the ones we used to have in our biology labs in school.


The left brain has a skin shade, almost colourless, just a red network of veins. It spoke I'm Logic, I'm Mathematics, Accuracy is my middle name, I'm a calculator, I'm a scientist, You earn big bucks and respect because I convulse in pain 24*7*365. A master of words and numbers, I know exactly who I am. I categorize and I'm always in control.


The right side was a riot of colours. Each oozing out of another. It yelled, I'm a free spirit, the urge to paint on an empty canvas, sheer pleasure of walking bare foot on beach sand, the thunder of the roaring laughter. I sense, I feel, I'm music, I'm sensuality, I'm poetry, I'm love, I'm lust, I'm all vivid colourful butterflies right there in the pit of your stomach.


And it's time, it's so time. To tail the right side now. Pick up its trails from the last 21 years and cluster them up together. Time to add a splash of that huge paint brush dipped in all colors. Damn. Do I want to be an artist ? 


Plus I've had too much of what people around me wanted. I expierence a change in my inner self. I used to lie to people sometimes about what I love and what I loathe, only to avoid their questionnaire. But my wit and sarcasm have never been so ready. Dare you cross question me, baby.

Breathe this moment. Enjoy the freedom. Get out of  the conventional cage.
Flutter and Fly and Dream.

And of course don't ever forget what Barney Stinson says - 'When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead' :) !

My heart - 'i want to write', My mind - 'you want to "what" ?'

So, I was staring at the mirror restlessly, fulminating against my fat nose for it stands out like a proud IIM MBA, amidst it's peers, expecting a seven figure job any propitious second. A sudden whisper caught my ears. I looked around my little purple room and found myself alone. Criticizing took a more serious turn as my flaws screamed at me holding strongly to their BFF- my brown outlined mirror. 

And the whisper had matured into a confident thunder by then.

It was my little thumping heart.

Yes it was.

Urgent. Firm. Strong. Clear as a crystal.

It announced 'I WANT TO WRITE, I MUST BLOG' ! My mind, the wiser of the two, kept it's engineering jitters away for a second, almost popped out of my skull, came eye-to-eye with my heart and counter attacked 'you do ?'

My heart, the merrier one, was experiencing an outburst of valiance by then. Dauntless ,as I will put it.

Yet Suave. Sober.

It replied 'Yes, I do'.

My mind - 'since when ?'

and my heart lost it's orientation at that,

 'Since like forever, do you mind springing back and minding your own business ?'

It was then that I had to interrupt. My brain went under lock and key with the key thrown away. (for the time being :P). And I had a nice chat with myself.

Long. Soothing. Tranquilized. As if unburdening a sac of emotional blur off my shoulders.  Almost like a newborn wrapped up in white cotton drifting away to dreams.
And being the spoilt pampered kid that my heart is, it got it done his way and here I am, flaunting it's toxic stringency.

I will write. I will blog. No doubt, I will. Not because I'm the mother fairy of words. But because it spells PARADISE. because it makes me feel alive. because it's the celebration of my heart's joyous triumph over my mind.

Have a spry,sleepy Sunday ! :)