Disguised Repercussions

Another monotonous dutiful day. The bed was meticulously made, with neat edges. The tiled floor shone with brilliance. Lunch was cooked. She lay on her back, staring into thin air, the sheets felt cold, and vivid thoughts began to flow in once again. A kaleidoscope of memories and decisions that led her here. It seldom rains in January, but today it poured heavily. The clock ticked out loud, like a hammer, she could hear it mingling and playing with the sound of the rain. Her breath danced in pronounced rhythm. 3 years ago, she was a proud graduate. An engineer with phenomenal skills. And now, her identity merely boasted of a doting wife and a loving mother. What went wrong ? This had become a pattern in her daily routine. An ugly, abominable pattern. She would send her husband off to work with a gentle kiss, finish off with her house chores, put her daughter up for a nap, cook the mid-day meal and then get down for some rest. She loved them with all her heart and soul. They weren't at fault here. But then who was ?

These unwanted disturbing thoughts visited her everyday.

A 6 figure job-of-her-dreams at a leading MNC fell into her lap as soon as she finished with her degree and it literally killed her when she was told she cannot avail the opportunity. Her confidence was bruised. Her faith in family and its values was cicatrized, scarred for life, impaled with the pain of never getting a chance to prove what shes worth doing. Within 7 months, she was married off to the perfect guy of a perfect family who preferred dying over sending their daughter-in-law to work. She felt guilty about wishing that she was born to a different set of parents, the ones who would've cared more about her independence than her marriage at the vulnerable age of 21. She condemned this traditional hypocrisy on the inside but revolting against it now would make her unacceptable to her loved ones. And then all of this sacrifice would be for nothing, she pondered. Would she have loved them any less if she had a career and a life of her own ? She was stuck. For life. And did it really matter ?

At times, she wants it to be a mirage, a nightmare, but then regrets it the next instant, because if it is an illusion, then she would have to come back to reality and go through all of it again.

Everything seemed distant. The woman who stared at her in the mirror this morning seemed alien, and yet, somehow familiar. Ageing and maturing with each passing day, but not deciphering a moment of it. The insistent buzz of her phone broke the trance. Her husband had called to tell her that he had reached office and that he loved her.

She waited a long moment, smiled sans humor and said,

' I love you too, Infact that's all I do '.

.. I Love You But I Love Myself More

I'd be lying if I'd say I've forgotten you.

I'd be lying if I'd say tears don't brim up my eyes when I think of you.

I'd be lying if I'd say I don't love you.

I became permeable when I let you in my heart.

And you consumed me,

much more than what I was willing to relinquish,

There is more of you, than me, in myself now,

You made me grow out of it.

I've fallen out of love.

Those wounds would never heal,

You've left me with one little souvenir,

The one thing, I'll cherish forever,

That still keeps me going,

is Strength.

That cage isn't my home now,

I feel liberated,

I love you

But I love myself more,

And am not ashamed to say so.

These lines have no business in my life. These have been written for those people who let their better half suck all the happiness out of their life, just because they once thought they were meant to be together for eternity. When two people are deeply in love, they promise each other the moon and the sun, but once the veil of adoration starts to lift itself, this love can become a sad,toxic version of itself.

Have the heart to speak up for what you think makes sense and see how the world becomes a beautiful place to live in once again. Love yourself first. Breathe. Make decisions. Love is not supposed to make you miserable.

When I heard Samantha say 'I love You but I love Myself more' in 'The Sex and the City' for the first time, I fell for her all the more.

Painful Escape

This is the diary entry of a 41 year old woman who wants to walk out of her marriage of 20 years, away from Tanuj, the man who never loved her, and into the arms of Akash, the man who acquainted her with true love. Her twin daughters have made it clear that if she does so, she will be a childless woman for the rest of her life.


Dear Diary,

I haven't written you in a long while now. and I've truly missed you. Its time, its time for me to make a decision. My stomach is clenching even as I am writing this, its like somebody is rolling a dough inside it. Its a hard dough. My girls, they are merely 19. Would it be the right thing to do at this time ? I can't afford to lose their love, their warmth, if at all they have some for me. It all feels wrong, and right, both at the same time. I have never been this confused in my entire life. And if I don't make a choice now, my heart will grieve till eternity. Akash has given me all the support and love I was expecting from Tanuj, I had rented my heart and soul to this marriage, but it just isn't working. You are such a patient listener. I wish you could drop a word of advice in desperate times like these.

Silence is engulfing me from all sides, its making me nauseous, its becoming hrad hard to write. See there, I made my first spelling mistake in you. Is this pen trying to humor me ? But I can't stop. It all has to escape my system and pouring it down into the depths of your diaphanous pools of white paper is my only rescue plan.


Last night Tanuj came to my bedroom around 1am. I was wide awake. I sat upright and he sat next to me cupping my hands in his. I thought he was going to lure me into staying or beat me into the argument 'How did you even think of such a thing' but his words were the last things I was expecting out of him at that hour.


He said 'When you first told me about Akash, I was writhing with pure rage. The man in me felt defeated, as if his manhood was being raped off and he could do nothing about it. My wife was falling for another man and I was just a spectator watching the proceedings. But I've been thinking about it since past one week and your facts still hold their truth firmly in place. Why did we never realize that we were falling out of love ? When did it happen ? We have been sleeping in different bedrooms since a decade now. I dismissed this earlier using the excuse 'Everybody needs their own space'. I was such a fool. Anyway, I came today to tell you that you shouldn't stay because of the fear of this society or our girls. They seem to have taken more from me, they will live. I have never given you the love,the care and the support a woman deserves from her better half. I've failed you miserably but now, when somebody else is making you happy, I will support your decision. I owe you that much.'


He said the last words slowly, meaning every syllable of it. He didn't wait for my reply and strode out of the room. I was left dazed. These words were as close as Tanuj had ever got to my heart in these 20 years of our marriage.


But as I'm writing you right now, Tanuj's words are making more and more sense. Why should I worry about this hypocrite society when they don't care one bit for me ? They don't know what I've been through. I dare them to walk a mile in my shoes and then return to have a balanced argument. I have lived 20 years succumbing to my parent's will and 21 years to the man who never loved me. If I have to make a decision it has to be now. Or never.


I'm leaving you unfinished today. The next time I write you, I will be a happy woman.
And by the way, my first wrinkle started to surface today.


Love.

Project Happily Ever After

The Prince saves the damsel in distress from all evil, carries her on his white shiny horse, organizes a lavish wedding where the whole town is invited and together they take off to a place called 'Happily ever after'.

What if Cinderella's shoe fits another girl's foot before the prince reaches her doorstep ? Or fairy godmother loses track of time and surfaces an hour late ?

What if the cursed frog does not incarnate into a handsome prince when the princess kisses him ? (I'd rather say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince)

What if Snow white falls in love with a cute dwarf instead of the prince ? (Pick up your jaw, Matters involving heart are unquestionable)

What if Rapunzel's hair were filled with dandruff and lice ? (Eeeee, don't make that face, just an assumption) In that case she would have hugged and thanked the witch for chopping them short shreiking ''Thank you oldie, they itched a lot anyways".

But anyhow,I'm not trying to erase the concept of happily ever afters from your mind, I'm just arguing the case of my client ''I'm a little less that happily-ever-after''. He's sick of not being desired anywhere. (Oh yes baby, I'm quite expensive, he's paying me a fortune).

But seriously, answer me, What if these stories were a little less than perfect, I would have loved them anyway, as long as I was 7 years old and they succeeded in making me smile and giggle.

Few years down the line, when I should supposedly be expecting a H-E-A life, I'd rather live for the moment and in the moment, make my family delicious pancakes, sit by the porch with my partner, enjoy the rain, watch my kids make paper boats and feed them to the rain, feel content in the bliss showered by that very moment.

Imagine having nothing to worry about, wouldn't happiness lose all it's charm ?

Honey, they don't call ''making up after a fight'' the best thing ever for nothing.

A messy hair-do always looks more appealing than the perfectly sized and tied bun.

Grandma- No baby, that's not mandatory, I would have coaxed the author of this write-up into marrying you but I'm afraid there is a LITTLE age difference.

Let go off this mirage of happily-ever-after and seek content-ever-after.

Where there are Expectations, there is a Mask

Have you ever wondered why the best things in life are always unexpected, only because there were no expectations to compare them to. People expect you to be brave, sometimes you pretend that you are, even when you are frightened down to your very bones. How, and more importantly, Why does this happen ?

A small intense fight with her mom got her thinking about the E-word. Her mom was open about all her expectations from her and extremely fragile. She got slapped by reality in the face. As soon as her mom left the room, she opened the second drawer in her cupboard and looked at it. It was there. The MASK. Her MASK. Her virtual life savior.

It met her eyes, twisted its lips into a wicked smile and spat 

'So, You need me again ? I had my mind believe that this is my grave, after the way you threw me here the last time'

She managed a sad 'Yes, I need you again'

She grabbed it inhumanly, put it on her face and saw it coming to life, blending in with her, become an inseparable part of her being. She had suddenly become ugly to her own eyes. She strode out of my room, and let the veil take care of all she couldn't.

Later that night, She tore it away from herself, it had it's victory smile on, content as a vampire who had just ripped her throat off, and got a taste of her fresh human blood, fed on her.

She threw it away into it's regular place.

She was broke. She knew she was incomplete without it.

And they both drifted to sleep.

Was it wrong for her to put it on ? Should she have let mom feel bad and not care ? What is the thing with Expectations ? Why are they always touching the skies ? Is it really important to meet them ?

I say 'No, it's not'.
Stop meeting people's wrong expectations and in return they'll someday thank you for it.
Drop the veil and be the real you. You're fearless and brave.

Somebody you don't like, pretends to be a friend, and you have to fake it too.

Somebody will get hurt if you spill the truth, you are expected to zip your lip, and you do it. WHY ?

A wise soul once enlightened me saying

HAPPINESS = REALITY - EXPECTATIONS.

Wish it were all as easy as a mathematical problem.

Blessed are those who never expect, for they shall never get disappointed.


Time to unveil the true you, Expect less and Live more.

I'm not that into chocolates

Really, tell me, why is that so much of an issue ? I so hate these stipulated standards. If a girl aged 21 does not like to nibble that dirty dark brown bar, why do people gape at her wide-eyed as if she just gave birth to a rabbit.


Little kids look at me in the face and I'm literally terrified that they would punch my fat nose any second screaming 'Why don't you like this dairy milk dammit, it's so fucking yummy !' Okay and this is not just about chocolates. Why should I like every other thing that appeals to you ? I hate furry soft toys, that sticky pasta, red colour ( 86% of the world's population includes red amongst their favourite colors, Of course that is true ) and orange candy as well. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm on the right side now, Oh wait, My bad, I have to back this up a little for you.


I saw a very interesting picture this morning and it set me pondering ever since. It displayed human brain divided into equal halves, just like the ones we used to have in our biology labs in school.


The left brain has a skin shade, almost colourless, just a red network of veins. It spoke I'm Logic, I'm Mathematics, Accuracy is my middle name, I'm a calculator, I'm a scientist, You earn big bucks and respect because I convulse in pain 24*7*365. A master of words and numbers, I know exactly who I am. I categorize and I'm always in control.


The right side was a riot of colours. Each oozing out of another. It yelled, I'm a free spirit, the urge to paint on an empty canvas, sheer pleasure of walking bare foot on beach sand, the thunder of the roaring laughter. I sense, I feel, I'm music, I'm sensuality, I'm poetry, I'm love, I'm lust, I'm all vivid colourful butterflies right there in the pit of your stomach.


And it's time, it's so time. To tail the right side now. Pick up its trails from the last 21 years and cluster them up together. Time to add a splash of that huge paint brush dipped in all colors. Damn. Do I want to be an artist ? 


Plus I've had too much of what people around me wanted. I expierence a change in my inner self. I used to lie to people sometimes about what I love and what I loathe, only to avoid their questionnaire. But my wit and sarcasm have never been so ready. Dare you cross question me, baby.

Breathe this moment. Enjoy the freedom. Get out of  the conventional cage.
Flutter and Fly and Dream.

And of course don't ever forget what Barney Stinson says - 'When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead' :) !