A Promise.

A promise; to love, A promise; to pursue Us,

every minute of every day. You may never say, but I see it;

in the thousand reflections, that this ring throws upon my face today.

***

PS - My darling sister got engaged yesterday evening :)

In Greed, They Trust.

Having grown up in a close knit joint family, I came across all the pros and cons of living with ten more people strolling around in my home. There was love in our abode all throughout the day's length. A pleasant atmosphere, younger siblings, grand parents, first cousins, lame jokes, picnics and what not. I haven't holidayed much outside north India and my home used to be my favorite place in the whole world. Meals were served, shared and eaten together, and not just happiness, sorrow too was divided amongst all so that the one it aims at doesn't feel the heat of it. My over protective parents nurtured my childhood well and I grew up to be a fine yet sensitive girl, with no clues of any dirt in this world, whatsoever. Little did I know, I was looking forward to witnessing some in my own happy paradise.

One very fine sunny morning, I heard some heated exchange of arguments between my father and my uncles. It was an unpleasant shock to me because the general ambience of our home was quiet and happy. My mother kept me glued inside the four walls of our room because I was at a very impressionable age. Within a fortnight, they became a sad routine. They might have been budding for a while but very innocently they escaped my notice. I was a kid back then and couldn't make much sense out of what my ears caught. Tension grew with each passing day and took over my heaven. Indecency crept in and there was little a girl of thirteen could do about it. A few years later, our family separated, not in a very amicable way. I have never been instructed not to talk to them if I run into them somewhere, my parents are sensible enough to let me make that decision for myself, but the way it all happened has made our bond sour. I miss being the wise elder sister to my little sister, but we never exchange calls. My older brother hasn't heard my voice since the day our families grew apart. I haven't spoken to them ever since, except once at a relative's wedding.

Things got ugly and relationships failed God's testing times.

Own your money, don't let it own you.

Money took it all away and hid it, well. It was a lesson well learnt. There are many beliefs and ideologies that are blamed for the evil present in this world, I lay mine on money. It has made humanity lose its taste and warmth, relationships have become fragile and take no time in falling like a dead leaf.

If I could change one thing around me, it'd be to start treating people for who they are, and not for how heavy their pockets weigh. I know this might give birth to a debate in your mind but money does dominate our minds and thoughts in an ineffable way now. It even spells power for some. If only human mind was capable enough to spot the difference, so to say the least. I'd prefer wearing a smile to a Prada, if that is what it takes to be the change I want to see in others. Politicians are sucking the country dry just for a few extra piles of money in their lockers, wealthy people look down upon their employees like they're alive because of their favors, sisters curse, families wish ill of each other, this whole world stinks of greed. My father is a very modest man, he always says 'Respect your sub-ordinates more than your superiors, no matter how loud your pocket shouts'. And I now realize, it speaks volumes about a person's character.

With no alternate perspective in mind, I enjoy the various luxuries money provides, I love my cellphone, my jewellery, my clothes, but devouring them at the cost of losing my loved ones and my dignity is something that will never make sense in my world. I don't reserve the greatest praise for the saint who has attained spiritual blessedness and abandoned all worldly pleasures, that would be a hypocrite act because I myself will never do so. Indulging in a little pleasure every now and then doesn't hurt, but doing so by robbing somebody else off their hard-earned income and stabbing your brother in the back might. I'm no preacher and I'm not perfect but a little sense and love can give you all that greed and money can't. A good night's sleep blesses only those who earn it, not those who steal it.

I am not saying its easy to walk away from lusting over money, but not letting it get to your head would be the key, and even if it does go to your head, have the nerve to fight it away.

Disguised Repercussions

Another monotonous dutiful day. The bed was meticulously made, with neat edges. The tiled floor shone with brilliance. Lunch was cooked. She lay on her back, staring into thin air, the sheets felt cold, and vivid thoughts began to flow in once again. A kaleidoscope of memories and decisions that led her here. It seldom rains in January, but today it poured heavily. The clock ticked out loud, like a hammer, she could hear it mingling and playing with the sound of the rain. Her breath danced in pronounced rhythm. 3 years ago, she was a proud graduate. An engineer with phenomenal skills. And now, her identity merely boasted of a doting wife and a loving mother. What went wrong ? This had become a pattern in her daily routine. An ugly, abominable pattern. She would send her husband off to work with a gentle kiss, finish off with her house chores, put her daughter up for a nap, cook the mid-day meal and then get down for some rest. She loved them with all her heart and soul. They weren't at fault here. But then who was ?

These unwanted disturbing thoughts visited her everyday.

A 6 figure job-of-her-dreams at a leading MNC fell into her lap as soon as she finished with her degree and it literally killed her when she was told she cannot avail the opportunity. Her confidence was bruised. Her faith in family and its values was cicatrized, scarred for life, impaled with the pain of never getting a chance to prove what shes worth doing. Within 7 months, she was married off to the perfect guy of a perfect family who preferred dying over sending their daughter-in-law to work. She felt guilty about wishing that she was born to a different set of parents, the ones who would've cared more about her independence than her marriage at the vulnerable age of 21. She condemned this traditional hypocrisy on the inside but revolting against it now would make her unacceptable to her loved ones. And then all of this sacrifice would be for nothing, she pondered. Would she have loved them any less if she had a career and a life of her own ? She was stuck. For life. And did it really matter ?

At times, she wants it to be a mirage, a nightmare, but then regrets it the next instant, because if it is an illusion, then she would have to come back to reality and go through all of it again.

Everything seemed distant. The woman who stared at her in the mirror this morning seemed alien, and yet, somehow familiar. Ageing and maturing with each passing day, but not deciphering a moment of it. The insistent buzz of her phone broke the trance. Her husband had called to tell her that he had reached office and that he loved her.

She waited a long moment, smiled sans humor and said,

' I love you too, Infact that's all I do '.

Of the hand that held hers

Ridhima was dead. Sarah had overheard some doctors discuss over how should they break this news to her. She was not able to move any part of her bruised body below her neck. Was the accident so bad ? The grief was too big to acknowledge. She knew she will be alone for the rest of her life. Was it only a few weeks ago when I broke the news to them ? Everything came flooding back to her.

She remembered that day.

***

It was the day. It was finally the day. It was the day Sarah was going to remember for the rest of her life. She had put on her blue pullover because somebody had once told her shades of blue represent peace and calm.

'No, I should probably change into my safe pair of denims' Sarah thought.

A brawl over her short skirt was the last thing Sarah wanted to happen that day.

Her panic was rising with each passing microsecond. She could almost taste bile in her throat. She picked up her phone and called Ridhima for the 50th time. Her network switched to voicemail.

'Where on earth are you R ? You better be on your way to my place. I'm on my way to panic-death here. This isn't just about us now. I need you to grow up and take some responsibility.'

and Sarah disconnected the call. She hadn't realized, her forehead was dripping with sweat. She opened her closet, picked out her white towel that came as a thank you gift from her spa, wiped off all the sweat from her face and took the longest breath of her life, muttering

'They are my parents, they brought me to life, they have to love me, no matter what, its their duty to love me, this isn't a crime, its just the way I'm made, they have to broaden their horizons and grasp what I have to offer this time. its all going to be okay'

and she exhaled from her mouth.

At that second, the doorbell rang. Her heart picked up pace. This better be her. It was her. Sarah's ears picked up traces of warm greetings from the ground floor, her parents seemed to be in the best of their moods. Ridhima climbed up the stairs in a hurry, almost tripped once and finally reached Sarah's room. As soon as she entered, Sarah hugged her. They held each other for a long one and a half minutes, as though trying to dissolve their worries into each other.


My decision is correct, its all worth it, SHES all worth it, I love her, and it is time to stand up for what I believe in.

Sarah's mother's voice broke the embrace, but they were still holding each other. 'Let's do it Sarah' Ridhima said and smiled her disturbingly beautiful smile.

Downstairs, Sarah's father was reading his daily morning newspaper and cribbing about the presence of everything but news in the newspaper, and her mother was busy in the kitchen. Sarah nudged her elbow into Ridhima's ribs and whispered I love them, I don't want to be abandoned, she was close to tears. Even her whisper was hoarse and husky. Ridhima knitted her fingers with hers and squeezed her hand gently. They love you way too much to abandon you. Stop panicking Sarah, I love you, don't ever forget that. Its now or never.


S - Good Morning Dad.
Dad - Good Morning my angels.
S - I want to talk to you Dad.


He folded his newspaper, put down his specs and looked at her daughter. The seriousness in her daughter's voice was alien.

Dad - Sure beta, whatever it is.
R - No uncle, We want to talk to both of you together. Lets wait for aunty to finish with her toasts.


In a minute, Sarah's mom appeared out of kitchen with a dish full of yummy-looking toasts.

Dad - Okay kids, let's eat first, and then I'm all yours, he smiled.
Ridhima - No uncle, it's important.
He looked at them with curious analyzing eyes, his eyebrows meeting in the middle of his forehead, and said Okay.

Sarah - Okay. Dad, I know this is going to come as a shock to you at first but I very desperately need you to understand what I'm about to say now. I am 23 and I don't want you to assume that I'm immature. It isn't a choice. Its what I am. Its how I'm made. I'm happy with life but I cannot survive without your consent. Okay ?
Mom - You're scaring us now. Just tell us. What is it ?
Sarah - Mom, Me and R, we love each other.


Her dad laughed hearing that.


Dad - We know that baby, We know you both are less of friends and more of sisters. And we love you too. Where is the news in this ?
Ridhima - Uncle, you don't understand. Its not the sister-love, its the lover-love. We want to get married.
S's mom ignored the hint, smiled and said 'Oh, Is this about marriage ? Hari, our daughters are grown up ladies now'

Sarah - No mom, You really don't get it or are you just pretending not to acknowledge it ? I love Ridhima and I want to marry her. I'm a lesbian mom. Deep down somewhere, you've always known this. I could sense it.


Silence took over. Sarah's parents stared into thin air. Nobody said another word for the next minute. Finally Ridhima said 'We love each other aunty. It doesn't make us any different. It just makes us brave enough to accept it. We are made this way. Please try to understand'

They both left the room and did not talk to Sarah for 2 days. After 2 days of misery, her dad came to her room and tried to talk her out of it. He wanted Sarah to meet a shrink for a purification ritual and this proposition broke her completely. Her mom wanted her to start with therapy. A week passed, and their house was still filled with an unknown awkward air. After months of endless arguments and discussions, Sarah finally had to leave her parent's house to start a new life with Ridhima. They did not want the society to know about her.

3 days after moving out, Sarah and Ridhima's car met with an accident.

***

The soft blue walls of the hospital filled Sarah's vision. All she knew was that Ridhima was dead. Warm tears flowed down her cheeks and she could not even wipe them off on her own. An eager nurse sprang to help her and asked 'Oh great, you're awake ma'am, do you want me to call anybody ? your family ? you will need their support through all this' 

'No, I'm alone, I don't have a family.'

5 days after the accident, Sarah also joined Ridhima in heaven. Her parents never tried to find out how their daughter was.

I wish people had better understanding of human nature and braced it with open arms. 

* I chose this Family of mine *

My last few posts have been too much into conspiring people to become prettier on the inside, as if I'm some spiritual guru. Well well, this is a happy day and I'm not going to get wasted today. The sky is drizzling, and right now, the front porch of the first floor of my home is the most delightful place to be in. My heart has been fluttering since days to rave and ramble about some people who spell F-R-I-E-N-D-S for me, and it's just not under my control now. I might not call you everyday, might not text you everyday, but there have been times I've quietly adored being friends you. :)

>Divya - I'm starting this expedition with you my little fairy because you're totally worth it. During our fights, when you slyly slide the text saying 'you'll never find anyone who'll love you more than me' I actually smile a little to myself, climb on the ninth cloud, enjoy the view, take a while to get back to the present and suddenly it's difficult to remember why were we fighting in the first place, because somewhere, your friendship suffices my every need. Yes, don't ask me again, you do wrinkle your nose when you roll on the floor laughing :D

>Rahul - Guys generally do not adore being called angels. But my dear friend, you totally asked for it. You're customized to be my angel in disguise. ;) I swoon over the way you just can't help being nice.

>Prashant - Fall of 2010 was the worst phase of my life and if it weren't for you, I would have never got over it. Almost half of my madness is your gift to me ;) Even if I just say hello, you sometimes laugh so hard, it literally tickles me :D I'm sure you don't know this but you've already started resembling Greek Gods. Stop looking so good, else you'll soon be too gorgeous to stay on earth ! ( Nobody shall ever know you bribed me to write that, :D) 

P.S. A girl on this list has a huge crush on you ;) No more details to be revealed from my side ;) I know you just went berserk. :D I'm lovin' it :)

>Aayushi - Have I ever told you aayu that Ive never liked people who share my first name with me ? ( A girl named aarushi was a classmate of mine in 3rd grade and I never shared my lunch and my pack of 64-oil pastels with her, Yes, I was a mean bitch back then ;) ) I'm sure I must have, some day. And  you are my charming exception. Darn you. Nobody I know, has as beautiful a heart as you have. I wish you meet Enrique someday :P

>Anuradha - My Miss 'sixteen forever'. You sure are one of God's took-a-lot-of-time creation. :) He showered you with all the sweet adjectives I could ever imagine of. You're cute, petite, pretty, intelligent ( actually almost a scientist at that ), and trust me you can memorize more in a day than I can ever, in months. Your innocence steals away a lot of hearts sweetheart. Keep them safe ;)

>Garima - Skin of a british baby, Hair of a blonde, Eyes a translucent green. Need I write more ? ;) The only thing that bugs me, now that college is over, is that I don't get to be anybody's agony aunt anymore :( I see you at 8 in the morning, you're all beautiful, dressed up, shiny. I see you again at 4 the same evening, you're more beautiful, more fresh and more chirpy. And you've got to tell me today, How on earth do you do that ?

>Ankita - I instantly love people who have dimpled smiles, and you my love, are one of them :) My partner in crime ;) Your texts after two in the morning are crazy and awesome. I never want to stop receiving them. :)

>Dhruv - My practical, no non-sense, sweet buddy. Shove me as many times as you want, but, dhruv, you will be the first person on this list, to get married ;) :P I know you just picked up your iPhone and now you're calling her up to tell her ayu wrote something like this :P Counting on you has never been disappointing and I know it never will be.
P.S. I desperately want you to scandalize a little more ;)

>Bhumika - Okay Okay, Why don't you just shake that belly already ? You make some of the best dance moves I've seen live motu. Your belly moves like a serpent. ;) Your hair color is a hit, You cook the best of everything, You're going to be an engineer next year, plus you're beautiful. WTF. Were you ever on a virtue-stealing spree to some place ? You just have the best of all worlds.
P.S. I love the way you babysit me, *whenever required*

>Aditya - My most adored toddlerhood connection ;). Couldn't you settle for a little less than being perfect ? you make me feel so unemployed, and important, all at the same time. I love it when my phone blinks saying 'new text message from adi'. I know that made you smile ;) And an important note-worthy message for all single girls reading this - This guy is a total catch, Go for him. :)

>Risha - Dont be surprised to find your name on this list jholi :D I haven't forgotten school and tuitions and our letters ;) Getting back in touch with you was the best thing to have happened to me in the past few months. Your wide rabbit smile is super cute. You sometimes make me wish I had teeth like that. :D

BTW Am I really too lucky ? or is it just the hangover of me writing the above post ? I'm confused ! 

Happy Mother's Day Mom :*

RELATIONSHIPS - the only 13 alphabet word which is untouched by the rumored curse on this number. By them I dont mean meaningless flings, I mean Papa, akshay, cousins, uncles, aunts ! And above all, My mumma.

These are some people that lure you to swim through the evil waters of this metaphoric life.

 A very happy mother's day to you maaa, I'm penning down all I've never told you and all You've always wanted to hear from your 15 year old daughter (I know you still think your girl is 15 and is more fragile than a triplet of pre-mature babies). 

From the moment that wooden clock on your green textured wall strikes 6, your day shines upon me, or rather us. You, are my SUN. I dread the day when some darned alarm clock would wait all night to haunt my dreams in the morning. You kiss my forehead every morning, wake me up all so sweetly :D (so that akshay doesn't wake up) and then my heart tells me 'all is fine baby'. 

Those days end up to be my brightest when you sleep in my bed, take me into your soft cocoon and caress me. You constitute me mumma. And your mouth watering delicacies, aahh, make me wonder why did I not inherit that skill and your curly hair from you. Damn, I just cant cook mom.

 And You're beautiful :)

I never mouth I love you to you because saying ain't enough any day. I know my little gestures do their task and yell that to you every day. Conversing with you makes me opine and gives me some glittery blue wings, my thoughts fly until they reach the sky. I truly truly miss you when you go to meet Nani ( all thanks to my ever-green absolutely gorgeous nani for bringing my angel into this world ) without me :(.

Please don't do that. ever.

I Loovveee you mom.

Stay with me forever. :-*

Your pampered baby,

Me  :)