Chaotic Gleam [55Fiction #6]

The inky sky is a beautiful hazy chaos today. These witty clouds have slyly conspired to send out old unspoken messages  to the universe, basking in their own apparent glory. They look happy and so am I.

For once, I wish the sun wouldn’t peep in, just this once, and then the clouds could rule.

***

PS - Not much of fiction went into writing this.

Ineffable Charm Of Melody.

Because I have been listening to my playlist since I was a little kid, I am 'something that can't be put into words', translated 'mega-bored'. I feel light years away from that feeling called happiness. I'm craving for new songs. My earphones will literally start to speak up any minute now. We refuse to play Numb again, Give us a new song to breathe. But nothing stands in comparison with old classics, does something ??

So all you beautiful people, please be your gracious best right now and pour in some suggestions from those repeat-listed songs from your playlist. Only the best ;) Not the whole playlist. I'd be forever grateful. (Of course if I fall in love with your pick ;))

I like songs that consume my mind's total attention. I can't get enough of 'Numb', and the lost version of 'Tujhe Bhula Diya' when given a listen in uninterrupted solitary vicinity, possesses the power to trickle a tear or two down my eyes. 'Apologize' , 'Firework' , 'Hey There Delliah' , 'Iktara' , 'Here Without You' , 'Skinny Love' , 'Ring My Bells' , 'Insatiable' , 'MockingBird' , 'Leave Out all the Rest'. Little hints for the kind that will be showered with my selfless adoration.

P.S. I love English songs as much as I love Old Bollywood Classics. And how did the first day of 2012 treat you ? I'm all ears :)

Desperately waiting :P

I ♥ Phoebe Buffay !

You've got to watch this :D

My Chocolaty Festive Spirit

Little Moments Of Bliss :)

There is something so naturally happy about this festive season that you can almost sense it in the air around you, specially in the evening. With Diwali round the corner, mom bribed me into making these chocolates for her guest's kids. Haha, pick up that jaw, I seriously made them and trust me its just a matter of minutes ;) Yes, 'Serendipity is a catch' :P:D Say that out loud and you can have one of those rose lollipops above the 'M' :P You know, the kind of kids that jump at the sight of my yummy looking chocolates, I adore them :) I remember an incident from last year. A kid followed me to our kitchen where I mixed in right proportions of what was needed to make my perfect squash. He thought I was slyly planning on poisoning their drinks :D, he acted like a spy and ran to his granny saying 'Don't drink whatever she's bringing, I saw her mixing some orange liquid in it' :D :D Plus this year, my friends are in for a surprise, I stole Papa's Royal Challenge and made liquor chocolates too.

Although it isn't that difficult and I'm hoping most of you know how to make chocolates at home, still, if you're interested in the 'how' part of it, leave me your e-mail id in the comments and I'll be more than happy to reply. And in return, you have to be my blog's critic. You have to tell me what do you most hate and love about my amateur blog :P The 'hate' part isn't that mandatory though :P And you know you love me, be politely critical :P

A little tip for newbies on blogger, stop leaving comments saying 'Hey, new reader, I'm following, why don't you follow me back ?' It won't take you a long way. Its gross and it gets on to my nerves. Kindly stop doing that. Follow me because you like what I offer, not because you need me to follow you back. I follow a lot of beautiful blogs, not because the writers asked me to, but because I love the way they make the transition from their minds to their pens. Its not about the no. of followers, the no. of comments, its only about 'content'.

I received this comment on my last post.

Deliver content, and acknowledge appreciation. 


That is the mantra.

P.S. No offense to any chocolate lover, but for the record, I personally hate chocolates. They're too brown, too sweet and too dark.

The 10 Day 'Me' Challenge - Eight Fears.

With not much happening in my life lately, which implies having nothing much to write about lately, I've resorted to this 10 Day Challenge Posts, not necessarily in order :) I'm giving you a chance to know the chirpy me and forget about the 'Dark & Twisty' me :). The gym pains are gone, I lost some weight :D, I smile more, I actually laugh more :D, Yea, that's my favorite smiley :). I thought I'll leave gym after a month because some of you advised me to, but there is a change of plan :). My gym now offers 4 fish pedicures, 4 steam baths and 4 face spa's plus training plus aerobics, all at just Rs. 1500 per month :) Yes, I am one lucky girl :P I cannot part ways with it. Its awesome. But I still can't touch my toes with my fingers without bending my knees, work in progress :P

1. My people dying on me - I have been watching Grey's Anatomy from quite some time now and it struck me 'accidents happen' and 'people die' (You can't blame me if I'm talking too much about it, the show just doesn't seem to end, its 8th season is on air). 7 years ago, I was woken up at 4am by my mom, she informed me that my sick cousin, who had been fighting for her life since past one month, had died. My parents left in a haste, telling me to lock all doors after they're gone. I did not cry. I was too shocked to cry. I didn't sleep. I made it to the school that day and suddenly in the middle of the assembly I burst out. I cried because I had lost my sister. I cried because I suddenly realized how unfair it was for people to die on their loved ones. We never met much. We weren't that close. We saw each other only on occasions and family get-togethers. But it was a loss. It always will be.

2. Fear of drowning in the SEA - Yea, you read it right. I don't have the fear of drowning in water. I think it might happen in the sea. o_O There is just too much never-ending water in the sea.

3. Are you afraid of the Dark ? - Yes, I am. I am a light person. I love light. Bright shiny light. I can't function in the dark. It scares me to my very bones. Me and my friends visited that setup of a 'Haunted House' once. It was unexpectedly dark. It has almost been an year and I still apologize for digging my nails into D's hands :D.

For the record. D is my best-friend :). The kind that sobers you down when you are down with 9 tequila shots, brings you home, puts you to bed, tells your mom 'Aunty, the sun was too harsh today. She has a very bad head-ache, please don't wake her up until she wakes up on her own' and reassures her a 100 times that she isn't lying :P Only if you get that :P

4. Syringe - When I was a little girl, flu loved me. It paid visits every now and then and this stupid doctor stuck me with injections every time it did. Needles scared me. I used to try and explain mom about how serious this fear was but she thought it was a kid anxiety attack. Then one fine day, God helped :D. The nurse stuck me with an injection and I blacked out on the stretcher :D Mom was hyper-tensed. The doctor pointed out that it was not because of my fever, it was because I was too scared. Mom got a piece of God's mind and swore she would never let me go under a syringe again :D Shes keeping her word even today :D

5. Partner fear - I haven't dated much. It has always been more about friends than it has ever been about a relationship. And in this process, I have surprisingly and innocently created a huge mountain of expectations for my partner to meet. I'm afraid he won't be able to meet them :(

6. Crying infront of another living soul - I am a cry baby but definitely not a console baby. You don't get to console me. I cry. A lot. I cried even when Marshall's father died in HIMYM, I mean who does THAT. I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm sad. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I wasn't this fragile earlier. And I have no clue why it happens now. But my biggest fear is letting another person see me cry.

7. Fear of gaining ineffable amount of weight - Why is all the yummy and tasty food hazardous to my health and skin ? Its just beyond me.

8. Running out of stuff to blog about - Okay, now that's a newly developed fear. Since I'm not working or studying for the next 3 months, I'm afraid I might soon run out of stuff to write about. I know I share this bullet with some of you ;). 

It didn't end up being as chirpy as I thought it'd be but its going to get better :)

Have a good night :)

Hugs.

Little Moments Of Bliss

The Reason

Life isn't very fair and I haven't bragged anything about it in my blog yet, except of course, the mannequin post. You can handle the pressure, but you can't handle it's overflow, or can you ?

My parents have lived in a joint family all their lives which obviously implies that I have lived in a joint family all my life, and when you have elders, and their elders, over you, your decisions are never your own. They are made for you. Worse case scenario - You are a girl. Your safety is the prime reason of their existence. I'm not complaining. I don't complain. I'm not that kind. But when they don't let you finish what you started, for safety reasons, it hurts, and it hurts bad. They tell me, 'you've never lived alone, how can we let you live alone in a big city like that ? job is not that important' I tell them 'I've never lived alone because you've never let me'.

My college ended 3 months ago and this idleness is killing, literally killing me. I can't look for a new job for next 3 months (due to some family issues again). I haven't been commenting and visiting your blogs much only because they tell me that you are happy and I am not. I'm sorry because you will have to cope up with my sad posts for a little longer. Please do not stop reading me :D Oh, humor, makes me glad. I don't need a gym, but I've joined one to direct my idle negative energies towards my workout, and then I thought, it won't hurt much either. I've received some mails concerning my last post and after reading them, it felt like I am some depressed maniac who needs desperate therapy. It didn't feel very good, which is why I disabled direct comments there. I'd rather say, walk a mile in my shoes and then kick the ball whichever way you want to.

I'd like a special mention to this particular mail that made me smile amidst this all, Musings Of a Troubled Mind sent me a mail saying he misses my write-ups, it felt good, beyond words.

I love my family, I love my father, I like catching him red handed stealing cookies from the kitchen :D (Mom doesn't let him eat them due to his diabetes), I love my mom, shes overprotective and takes too much stress, but that is how mothers are, right ? Mine is no different. Mine is infact more sweet and nice :) But are joint families synonymous to joint decisions ? It just doesn't feel right. I was avoiding writing about this since a long time, fearing that you all might think I've lost my sanity and I hate my family. But writing is all about venting out, feeling good and light-hearted, isn't it ?

I wrote the above thing 3 hours ago, I couldn't complete because some cousins crashed my blogging hour :D, but strangely, now I don't feel negative anymore :) That's a good thing, good progress, I suppose :)

You know, sometimes a very different thought also crosses my mind, it says 'You have been working your ass off for 4 years trying hard not to get a supplementary and be a software engineer with flying colors, you deserve this break :D, wake up at 12, have brunch, watch Derek getting back to Meredith, PeeVee :D, call and disturb the ones at work, go to gym, watch tv and smile :)'

I'd better listen to this voice now, I like it :) Sitcoms are so darn consuming, I love them. Suggestions anybody ?

P.S. I'm not in as bad a shape as this post might picture for you. Please don't leave me a comment saying 'Life is like this for everybody, don't worry, it'll pass' instead, tell me some funny stories from your awesome day :):). I've read this post 3 times just to re-re-check that I don't send any wrong hint pointing towards the thought that I'm not happy with my parents, but still, if I have faltered somewhere, you should know it was not intentional. They're my angels.

They got me this unexpected surprise cake on this Dughter's day :)

Love

Me

I am a Mannequin

It doesn't complain, It doesn't shout, It doesn't argue, It doesn't fall in love, It just absorbs, and more and more and then some more. When I see people living the life I always wanted for myself, I start feeling like a mannequin. Presented to the society as a civilized, sweet girl in her early twenties, but broken on the inside. Damaged beyond repair. Refrained from reacting. Some things just never turn out the way they should and the bad news is that it is nobody's fault. You cannot blame anybody. Every time I start getting comfortable in my skin, it is ripped off of me and a new one is put on. I fall for other people's pleasures. Is this destiny ? Change is constant, it is a fact, but it doesn't come across as necessary. At times you just want to park yourself on a comfortable couch, put your best manners on display and simply absorb whats going on. I've always felt mannequins have more to them, as a child, I used to stare at them, but using them as metaphors for my own life never matured as a thought in my mind.

I'm disabling comments on this post because I don't want to come across as emotionless and cold. This is just a phase and it'll pass. If there is something you desperately want to share, meet me here.

~Serendipity~

Barren

The cursor winks innocently at me, patient and giving, appearing and disappearing. It seems to follow the rhythm of my heart, waiting for me to knit something on the clear white screen, but there are no words, none to scribble across it. My gaze is held transfixed by the moving traffic,

why is it so smooth today ?

It is one of those moments when you stare at something without actually sinking it in. It is a mesh, a mesh of varied colors. A yellow taxi, a white Mercedes, a toddler dressed in bright green, Oh, her pram, what is it, deep blue or electric blue ? and the brown exteriors of the mexican restaurant across the road.

My screen-saver comes to life. The waiter brings in my third Lattè, I peel my gaze off the haze, Had I forgot to tell him to put in less milk this time ?, What is wrong with him ? Has mom coaxed him into shoving some milk into my milk-starved system ? The stupid thought took flight as soon as it had landed into the company of the voices in my head.

The voices are growing, maturing with each passing minute. All budding new thoughts are ragged and limped away like lifeless dolls. They're not whispering to each other anymore. They want my attention, each one of them, they're fighting for it, I should really join those power-yoga classes Aunt Maggie suggested to Lenny.

I could feel ice in the air I was inhaling, It was going to snow soon. 

Finishing my coffee, I fold my laptop, gather my thick-rimmed over-sized glasses from the top of my head, give my eyes a little cover, hug my neck with my peach silk scarf, straighten my dress, run a finger through my curls and head towards home.

There are days in every writer's cave when words are just not ready to fall in place, with their pen poised in the air, mind set into motion, no thought overcome those dominant voices and succeed in materializing themselves into ink.

This is one of those days for an amateur like me and I'm not liking it.