I am a Mannequin

It doesn't complain, It doesn't shout, It doesn't argue, It doesn't fall in love, It just absorbs, and more and more and then some more. When I see people living the life I always wanted for myself, I start feeling like a mannequin. Presented to the society as a civilized, sweet girl in her early twenties, but broken on the inside. Damaged beyond repair. Refrained from reacting. Some things just never turn out the way they should and the bad news is that it is nobody's fault. You cannot blame anybody. Every time I start getting comfortable in my skin, it is ripped off of me and a new one is put on. I fall for other people's pleasures. Is this destiny ? Change is constant, it is a fact, but it doesn't come across as necessary. At times you just want to park yourself on a comfortable couch, put your best manners on display and simply absorb whats going on. I've always felt mannequins have more to them, as a child, I used to stare at them, but using them as metaphors for my own life never matured as a thought in my mind.

I'm disabling comments on this post because I don't want to come across as emotionless and cold. This is just a phase and it'll pass. If there is something you desperately want to share, meet me here.

~Serendipity~

Feel Blessed !

3 days back, I woke up to find that my eyes were not their regular classic blend of black and white, they were in fact a much more legendary amalgamation of red, black and white. My pupil looked like the sun of the solar eclipse hurling out red rays.

I rushed towards mom in a haste never known before, for I had the last exam of my B.Tech odyssey, 2 days later, that would qualify me as a software engineer.

I was noways going to let my eyes, ruin it for me. We reached the ophthalmologist in no time, giving in to the exigency of the situation. 

I witnessed something there, that made my heart weep. While I was impatiently waiting for my turn, a young couple entered with their little 4-5 months old daughter.

My own eyes were such a stupid mess that I did not give them any second look. But to my horror, they had not come to get their own eyes treated, they had come for their daughter.

Upon listening this, I took as close a look as I could permit myself staying stuck to my seat. That baby's left pupil was grayish-white. The doctor checked her before me (although they came after me. I wouldn't have appreciated this for anybody else if it wasn't for this baby's eye) and unfortunately I was forced to listen to that conversation. 

Doctor - It's better now.

Mother (her face lit with hope) - will she be alright ?

Doctor - I cant say that right away. As of now, carry on with the same medicines. 

Mother - Can she see from this eye ?

Doctor - No, not yet. But I can assure you, she will, someday. And this mark will stay forever.

Mother (bombed by the news) - Is there nothing we can do to remove the mark ? No surgery ? No operation ?

Doctor - No. No ophthalmologist in this world can cure this. Its like you get a bruise on some part of your body, get it treated well, but still, the mark never leaves. 

Mother (almost in tears) - when should we come next ?

Doctor (With the same straight face throughout) - Come next Friday and increase the dosage of these drops to 3 times a day.

I almost had a tear or two flooding my eyes, thanks to that little infection I had bored, nobody noticed.

Neither did they choose their poverty, nor did you choose your castle.

Help people in all possible ways. It will be your Moment of Bliss.

We complain about broken nails, ill-fitted dresses, bad exams, being over-weight, fat asses, love life trouble and what not but that day, I realized people have problems of a much serious scale and a much bigger magnitude.

My eye infection would have been okay the next morning had I washed them with cold refrigerated water 4-5 times a day but still I visited the doctor.

God divided this world into two concepts- the privileged and the unprivileged.

Most of you reading this fall in the former category and still moan about those petty non-existent things.

My purpose of sharing this incident with you is to tell you to feel privileged and blessed. Help, Pray and be Thankful. God has been very grateful to you, you owe him this lovely life of yours.

I pray for that little baby and expect you also to take some time out for her and talk God into curing her completely.

This post was written somewhere in June 2011 and I had just begun to write back then. My eyes were a little bad this morning and I got reminded of that baby. And because I have a decent sweet number of readers now, I'm re-posting it. I want more people to realize life's fair to us and its just a matter of realization.


Have a good day :)

Painful Escape

This is the diary entry of a 41 year old woman who wants to walk out of her marriage of 20 years, away from Tanuj, the man who never loved her, and into the arms of Akash, the man who acquainted her with true love. Her twin daughters have made it clear that if she does so, she will be a childless woman for the rest of her life.


Dear Diary,

I haven't written you in a long while now. and I've truly missed you. Its time, its time for me to make a decision. My stomach is clenching even as I am writing this, its like somebody is rolling a dough inside it. Its a hard dough. My girls, they are merely 19. Would it be the right thing to do at this time ? I can't afford to lose their love, their warmth, if at all they have some for me. It all feels wrong, and right, both at the same time. I have never been this confused in my entire life. And if I don't make a choice now, my heart will grieve till eternity. Akash has given me all the support and love I was expecting from Tanuj, I had rented my heart and soul to this marriage, but it just isn't working. You are such a patient listener. I wish you could drop a word of advice in desperate times like these.

Silence is engulfing me from all sides, its making me nauseous, its becoming hrad hard to write. See there, I made my first spelling mistake in you. Is this pen trying to humor me ? But I can't stop. It all has to escape my system and pouring it down into the depths of your diaphanous pools of white paper is my only rescue plan.


Last night Tanuj came to my bedroom around 1am. I was wide awake. I sat upright and he sat next to me cupping my hands in his. I thought he was going to lure me into staying or beat me into the argument 'How did you even think of such a thing' but his words were the last things I was expecting out of him at that hour.


He said 'When you first told me about Akash, I was writhing with pure rage. The man in me felt defeated, as if his manhood was being raped off and he could do nothing about it. My wife was falling for another man and I was just a spectator watching the proceedings. But I've been thinking about it since past one week and your facts still hold their truth firmly in place. Why did we never realize that we were falling out of love ? When did it happen ? We have been sleeping in different bedrooms since a decade now. I dismissed this earlier using the excuse 'Everybody needs their own space'. I was such a fool. Anyway, I came today to tell you that you shouldn't stay because of the fear of this society or our girls. They seem to have taken more from me, they will live. I have never given you the love,the care and the support a woman deserves from her better half. I've failed you miserably but now, when somebody else is making you happy, I will support your decision. I owe you that much.'


He said the last words slowly, meaning every syllable of it. He didn't wait for my reply and strode out of the room. I was left dazed. These words were as close as Tanuj had ever got to my heart in these 20 years of our marriage.


But as I'm writing you right now, Tanuj's words are making more and more sense. Why should I worry about this hypocrite society when they don't care one bit for me ? They don't know what I've been through. I dare them to walk a mile in my shoes and then return to have a balanced argument. I have lived 20 years succumbing to my parent's will and 21 years to the man who never loved me. If I have to make a decision it has to be now. Or never.


I'm leaving you unfinished today. The next time I write you, I will be a happy woman.
And by the way, my first wrinkle started to surface today.


Love.

22 - Older Crankier Grumpier

12.01, Midnight, 15 September 2011

I go into the washroom to change into my night clothes, I come out and witness mom, my sister and my brother lighting the magic candles on my very favorite home-baked pineapple cake. No big surprise, but felt good, extremely good.

It was like the cake was yelling into my face 'Cut me open, I'm yum'.
Suddenly mom realizes my phone isn't ringing, at all, her mind wheels get to work. Is she depressed over something ? Why is her phone switched on her birthday night ? She never does that and she doesn't seem that excited too, What on earth is wrong with my daughter ?

And now, she plans to speak up.

Mom - Why is your phone not ringing ?

Me - Because I've switched it off mumma. carefully eyeing the cake like a vulture eyes its prey :D

Mom - Whhyyyyyyy ?

Me - Just like that, I've never done it you know. I thought of trying :P

Mom - Carefully adjusting herself on the bed, Are you depressed ?

Me - No

Mom - Are you upset ?

Me - No

Mom - Have you fought with someone again ?

Me - No
Mom - Is it me ?
Me - Noo mumma !

Mom- Then why are you not excited ? Its your birthday child ! She lost her patience then.

Me - Because I'm a 22 year old girl now, I should be mature mumma :D and I flashed a teasing grin which meant 'You always say so' :D

Mom - I get it, I get it, But I'm not liking it, Switch your phone on and jibber-jabber as much as you want tonight :)

I blew off the magic candles expecting them to flame up again but they didn't :D :D

The highlight of the rest of the day was Ankita's most unexpected surprise visit :). Was I stunned ? I have never been so pleasantly surprised :)

Has it really been a span of four years ? Seems like last week, I was arguing Dad into loaning me his card 'Its my 18th birthday Papa, I might need more money, Give me your card just this while, Pleaseeee'

He had given in :)

You know, there is something I shouldn't probably share here but I've promised to be my usual-self on my blog and I can't break it, even if it is this lame :D When I was in my teenage years, I used to think I'd never grow up :D, I used to think God has me singularly blessed and he'll always keep me as his special cranky teenager :D No wonder I'm not.

Growing up isn't good, Mom expects some obvious behavior out of her girl in her early twenties, I'm restrained from eating junk because then my oily skin breaks into pits and graves of pimples, something girls can't afford to have. Life needs more meaning, more substance now. Its effing wrong.

'Lollipops turn into cigarettes, the innocent ones turn into mean bitches, homework goes into trash, detention becomes suspension, soda becomes vodka, cycles turn into cars, kisses become sex, you don't get high at the playground anymore, Dad's shoulders are no more the highest peak, protection referred to helmet, race issues were who ran the fastest, the only drug you knew was the cough medicine' - A text from my bff says so.

I've already lost excitement for birthdays( but not for the celebration :D:D ), I wonder whats next.
It was a happy day put together for me. I'll heart and cherish it :)

Barren

The cursor winks innocently at me, patient and giving, appearing and disappearing. It seems to follow the rhythm of my heart, waiting for me to knit something on the clear white screen, but there are no words, none to scribble across it. My gaze is held transfixed by the moving traffic,

why is it so smooth today ?

It is one of those moments when you stare at something without actually sinking it in. It is a mesh, a mesh of varied colors. A yellow taxi, a white Mercedes, a toddler dressed in bright green, Oh, her pram, what is it, deep blue or electric blue ? and the brown exteriors of the mexican restaurant across the road.

My screen-saver comes to life. The waiter brings in my third Lattè, I peel my gaze off the haze, Had I forgot to tell him to put in less milk this time ?, What is wrong with him ? Has mom coaxed him into shoving some milk into my milk-starved system ? The stupid thought took flight as soon as it had landed into the company of the voices in my head.

The voices are growing, maturing with each passing minute. All budding new thoughts are ragged and limped away like lifeless dolls. They're not whispering to each other anymore. They want my attention, each one of them, they're fighting for it, I should really join those power-yoga classes Aunt Maggie suggested to Lenny.

I could feel ice in the air I was inhaling, It was going to snow soon. 

Finishing my coffee, I fold my laptop, gather my thick-rimmed over-sized glasses from the top of my head, give my eyes a little cover, hug my neck with my peach silk scarf, straighten my dress, run a finger through my curls and head towards home.

There are days in every writer's cave when words are just not ready to fall in place, with their pen poised in the air, mind set into motion, no thought overcome those dominant voices and succeed in materializing themselves into ink.

This is one of those days for an amateur like me and I'm not liking it.

... And it Rained Again !! Part II

I know I've bugged you a lot here and there when it has rained, kindly try not to hate me for it :P
It has rained 'Elephants and rabbits' ('Cats and dogs' doesn't even begin to cover it) today, all over North India :)
Paper boats are back in vogue ;) My darling brother and his Nikon are BFFs again :)
He's too lazy but I coaxed him into capturing some, and they are his best work.

I had forgotten how to make those, mom remembered :)

Yes, that water was all muddy but I couldn't care less :D

Old ladies hang out here every evening :) I wonder how will they kill time today.

This one held my gaze for the longest time

STAY BLESSED !

Can't I be in love with both of you?

***

02 September 2011


That question, those words, rang in his head like a church bell for days. Loud. Demanding. His heart was cicatrized, she'd bruised it with scars for the rest of his meaningless life.

He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach when he first saw that same tenderness in her eyes, but for another man. She had shone like the brightest star in the galaxy at the mere mention of his name. Their brilliance back then hurt his liquid eyes now. He should have got the hint right there. How could he be so ignorant ? How could he do this to himself ? How could he do this to them ?

NO.

  

how could she do this to them ?


27 December 2009

She had those perfect amber eyes, eyes so deep, only a thick band of amber around the pupils, he'd wanted to fall into them and then keep falling forever. Hair so lustrous he'd wanted to entangle his fingers in them. Those swells of feminism across her breasts, her hour glass sculpted waistline always made him wonder 'Is she for real ?'. He held her like a gorgeous fragile creation of an artist, like a painter's muse, as if he might break her in his arms.

Her melodic voice brought him back to the surface.

She'd said ' where are you lost Arin, the movie is about to start, Let's hurry up'.

And all he could manage to mumble was 'Aria, tell me something, Did you bribe God into customizing those gems for your eyes ?'.

She gave a low seductive chuckle and hurried them into the movie theatre.
Aria had dug her nails into his flesh, he'd warned her about the ghost part of the movie but she was determined to watch it. And just when the squeaky door started to open on its own, Aria stood up and screamed at the highest pitch of her voice.

02 September 2011

That scream brought Arin back to the present. His ears could hear the sound of a glass shattering somewhere in the near vicinity and for an instant he thought he'd imagined it. His family was waiting for him downstairs but he could not make his legs cover the distance.

How could it be so easy for her to send a question like that across my face ? Arin asked himself. And what was my answer supposed to be ?.

It was 13 months since he'd last seen her but her memories were still haunting him, occupying a large room in his head. Even that little black mole on the nape of her neck hadn't escaped his thoughts. Grief threatened to overcome. Tears began to swell in his eyes but he fought to send them back to where they came from. He threw a humorless laugh around his room as he remembered what his dad had told him when he was six and was crying because he had a wounded knee 'Big boys don't cry my boy'.

He wanted the time spent with her to become a tale from his distant childhood, something he could scarcely remember even if he wanted to. No matter how hard he tried, he only wanted to catch glimpses, and if possible, not even them.

He shoved away her thoughts and started looking for the better half of the brown sock he was wearing in his left foot, Why do I always find my socks without their pair ?, opening the last drawer of the wooden rack, he was face to face with a picture, I told Meher not to click this picture, when will she ever learn to listen ? It was Aria leaning over his right shoulder and his palm covering half of the picture signalling Meher not to click it.

16 November 2009

He picked it up and remembered that playful night, It was their common friend Meher's birthday. Aria had never touched alcohol before, but upon insistence she did some shots and they really got the worst of her.

The only good thing about that night was that while Aria was drunk, she clutched onto Arin's shirt like a little baby clutching onto the only piece of clothing within its reach. She hung on to him in a way that said You're all mine and Arin rained back all of his love supporting her, hiding her into his warm embrace.

That was their first affectionate embrace. Arin could never forget that day.

02 September 2011

Arin, Arin, Where are you lost son ? He could suddenly hear the motherly voice of his aunt standing right in front of him, shaking his shoulders. He came back to life, Nothing Umm Nothing, I can't find my right sock, Let me put the black pair on, You will see me downstairs in 5 short minutes. A forced smile punctuated his otherwise lifeless words.

I have to let go of these thoughts, let go of her and her betayal.

I will, I will, soon, I have to.

But how could she ask me a question like 'Can't I be in love with both of you ?'

The question had stung his heart then and it had the power to do it now.


He wiped the warm tears trickling down his eyes and rushed downstairs.

***

I will name my daughter Aria if God ever blesses me with one :) Short melodic names starting with the alphabet 'A' sweep me off my feet :)
This was a different genre I tried, Be nice enough to tell me how it went ? even if it didn't touch your heart :) Your criticism is also welcome :)

Life is Uncertain, Eat Dessert First

Read each picture, they all have something to convey :P

Last three are my favorites and 'Saving the best for the last' is the most adorable cliche :)