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Little Moments Of Bliss is a silhouette of a feeling that resides in my heart. A software engineer by degree, a writer at heart, and a teacher by profession, I'm all that I never thought I would be. Pretty pictures,a poem that blatantly refuses to rhyme, a text from a deranged friend, a sudden gesture of love, its these little things in life, that matter and sprinkle bliss. Grace the couch and share a cuppa!

September 19, 2011

Painful Escape

This is the diary entry of a 41 year old woman who wants to walk out of her marriage of 20 years, away from Tanuj, the man who never loved her, and into the arms of Akash, the man who acquainted her with true love. Her twin daughters have made it clear that if she does so, she will be a childless woman for the rest of her life.

Dear Diary,

I haven't written you in a long while now. and I've truly missed you. Its time, its time for me to make a decision. My stomach is clenching even as I am writing this, its like somebody is rolling a dough inside it. Its a hard dough. My girls, they are merely 19. Would it be the right thing to do at this time ? I can't afford to lose their love, their warmth, if at all they have some for me. It all feels wrong, and right, both at the same time. I have never been this confused in my entire life. And if I don't make a choice now, my heart will grieve till eternity. Akash has given me all the support and love I was expecting from Tanuj, I had rented my heart and soul to this marriage, but it just isn't working. You are such a patient listener. I wish you could drop a word of advice in desperate times like these.

Silence is engulfing me from all sides, its making me nauseous, its becoming hrad hard to write. See there, I made my first spelling mistake in you. Is this pen trying to humor me ? But I can't stop. It all has to escape my system and pouring it down into the depths of your diaphanous pools of white paper is my only rescue plan.

Last night Tanuj came to my bedroom around 1am. I was wide awake. I sat upright and he sat next to me cupping my hands in his. I thought he was going to lure me into staying or beat me into the argument 'How did you even think of such a thing' but his words were the last things I was expecting out of him at that hour.

He said 'When you first told me about Akash, I was writhing with pure rage. The man in me felt defeated, as if his manhood was being raped off and he could do nothing about it. My wife was falling for another man and I was just a spectator watching the proceedings. But I've been thinking about it since past one week and your facts still hold their truth firmly in place. Why did we never realize that we were falling out of love ? When did it happen ? We have been sleeping in different bedrooms since a decade now. I dismissed this earlier using the excuse 'Everybody needs their own space'. I was such a fool. Anyway, I came today to tell you that you shouldn't stay because of the fear of this society or our girls. They seem to have taken more from me, they will live. I have never given you the love,the care and the support a woman deserves from her better half. I've failed you miserably but now, when somebody else is making you happy, I will support your decision. I owe you that much.'

He said the last words slowly, meaning every syllable of it. He didn't wait for my reply and strode out of the room. I was left dazed. These words were as close as Tanuj had ever got to my heart in these 20 years of our marriage.

But as I'm writing you right now, Tanuj's words are making more and more sense. Why should I worry about this hypocrite society when they don't care one bit for me ? They don't know what I've been through. I dare them to walk a mile in my shoes and then return to have a balanced argument. I have lived 20 years succumbing to my parent's will and 21 years to the man who never loved me. If I have to make a decision it has to be now. Or never.

I'm leaving you unfinished today. The next time I write you, I will be a happy woman.
And by the way, my first wrinkle started to surface today.



  1. Truly amazing

    There was no moment when I didn't sympathize with the woman :)

    hats off

    Stay Blessed ^_^

  2. loved the last line - omg
    And by the way, my first wrinkle started to surface today.- beautiful <3

  3. My heart goes out for women like her. The words were so delicately spun. ♥

  4. Wow what an amazing story you wrote :)
    You have such beauty with words...you should write a novel soon some day :)

    I have been off blogger for a while but couldn't resist reading this :)

    Bless you :)

  5. Shashank : Shes a strong woman now :) I;m actually happy for her :)
    Looks like you're the first person to read this :)

    Fatima : thank you for reading sweetie :)

  6. Ezazi : And you're back :)
    Thank you so much :)

    Scribbling Gal : Thank you honey :) This story just sprang into my mind out of nowhere ;)

  7. I instantly loved it.:) Beautiful...we keep all our secrets in our diary and the way you presented the thoughts is just poetic...Loved it!!!

  8. Very well written and am sure it reflects someone's life...someone who is indeed living somewhere writing her diary...

  9. I almost felt a choke in my throat till I came on @ my first wrinkle started to surface today. :)
    And ditto Ezazi.
    This is really beautiful.I am following you now. YOu write beautifully! I loved reading Barren too <3

  10. Saru Di : Writing diaries is the perfect outlet. I'm so glad you liked it :)

    Chintan : You caught the soul :)

  11. Crystal : Thank you Crystal :) My heart jumps with joy whenever I have a new reader :)

    Welcome to my blog :)
    Keep reading :)

  12. I will stand firm by the fact that you truly have a way with words. Do me a favor...write a novel :D seriously. I loved reading this. Beautifully written.

  13. Vanshika : Seriously ? Hilarious ? Did you even care to read what I wrote sweetheart ?
    Please take a second look.

  14. I am happy she made a decision which will change her life forever.20 years is too much of time to let yourself die slowly.Everyone deserves a better life and so does she.It takes rock solid courage to love someone who already belongs to someone else and my respect to the character Akash in your story.In all a very interesting read :) Just watch out from now onwards, the stalker side of me is resurfacing ;)

  15. N.i.o : thank you for your words :) They were music to my mind right now :)

  16. Suree : You always catch the soul of my write-up. I love it. Did I tell you I love stalkers on my blog ? :) And it takes a man's guts to love a person who is officially somebody else. I also love Akash's character :)

  17. If it were up to me and I was looking for just one reason to stay, this was it. What he said, the way he said. He knew he had wronged her, and yet he loved her.

    That reason, was I guess good enough to rethink.
    Beautiful read.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  18. Hai rabba...tum aur tumhara creative dimag...matlab what struck u to write this story yaar?? its faab. and so real. my stories still revolve around magical fantasies:/....awesome job done:)

  19. This is so touching:)
    Beautifully written:)

  20. Brought tears to my eyes!! Loved it instantly. It brought out the doubt, scare and anxiety int he woman. Beautifully written

  21. Left me speechless! You're the next Anita Nair, if you truly put your heart and pen into writing a book, I swear. No word in my limited dictionary is enough to praise your work!
    *Bows Chinese style*

  22. Ufff, painful decisions.
    But will she never look back at those 21 years of her life she spent with the man she was sleeping with, cooking for, raising children for? The small but deeply significant gestures and memories of having spent two decades being called a wife to someone? Does that mean nothing?
    I can't help wonder:)

  23. hmmm....so nice and captivating...

    The freedom is the most exciting feeling in this world...hmmm

  24. @Peevee's comment above - Take no offence when I say this my dear fellow-blogger. Instead of saying 'raising children for' I think you should say raising children with. Its a mutual responsibility right? And 2 decades of not being loved by someone whom you live under a roof with is equal to slow death over 20yrs (correct me if i'm wrong). In today's world, just the 'Mrs' tag doesn't signify much if not accompanied by love and the mutual feelings that entail in a marriage.
    Once again, no offence meant. Appreciate your thought process
    @Serendipity - sorry about this long comment.

  25. It's well written, no doubt. But, I wonder, if someone like Tanuj, who treated her wife like shit for the past 20 years, can let go of her easily, without any more shit? I mean, does that really happen? And as PeeVee pointed out, those small gestures of 20 years mean nothing to her? I think, I need some more insight... probably, a continuation of another post in the diary.(?)

  26. How long will the society keep talking? There will come a day when the daughters understand the importance of being HAPPY in your life and that is possible only when u r emotionally satisfied. The decision was worth taking.

  27. BA : She was never looking for a reason to stay. And a couple of words of self-realization can never suffice for 20 years of a loveless marriage.
    Looking at the greater picture was what she should have done and is what she has done.

  28. Aakriti : Thank You :) You're a total punjaban, I love that :)

    Priyanka : Thank you :)

  29. Deepthi : Thank you :) I'm so so glad you captured the essence :)

    Musings : haha :D And there you gave me the sweetest compliment ever, all over again. :)
    Thank you :)
    *Bows chinese style back* :D

  30. PeeVee : Of course they do Priyanka, You cannot forget somebody instantly but 21 years of a loveless marriage are equally torturing as they as addictive. If she didn't make a decision now, she would have to grieve for the rest of her life thinking she had a chance and she missed it. Atleast now she has a chance to grow old with the person who's in love with her.

    I like it when you're critical, tells me you actually read it and thought it was important enough to think over :):) Love you :)

    Thinking : Thank you :)

  31. Musings : You don't need to be sorry for voicing your views on this blog :)

    Arijit : He never treated her like shit. Nowhere in the write-up did I say that. He was simply a man incapable of love, incapable of understanding what a woman needs from her husband. I look up to this woman for walking towards such a bold decision. Not many are able to do that. There are hundreds of such women in our country. Half of them don't meet somebody like Akash and the other half refuse to recognize the opportunity.

    Red : Thank you :) It was definitely worth taking :)

  32. Nice and different style of narration, with a diary and mistakes in spelling.. really liked it.. It did make me sad too!
    But I got a bit confused, when she says he never loved her but those words of his, had come from a heart that loved her, may be it was not realized by both!

  33. You have gone into the character to imagine what the woman in that position would write. Loved it absolutely!

    There is so much more inside the woman character. So much to say, so less the words.


  34. Wonderfully written... I loved what Tanuj said to her and the brief turmoil in her head.. Very nicely expressed... Looking ahead for more...!!! :)

  35. First of all i appreciate your imagination. Its wonderfully penned down :)
    It is difficult to live under the same roof with those people who neither love or care for her.
    * Twin daughters : for them their own repo was at higher priority then their mum's happiness thats why they were stopping her from leaving.

    Tanuj might not have proved himself a better husband but the way he said, shows his caring attitude towards his wife,his understanding for her emotions can become a big reason to stop her from going...
    About aakash, she doesn't live with the guy, He might be supporting her right now but believe me there is a earth size big difference between the way people behave with those who are close and with those of their family. If then she falls she would have no other option left in future to go coz she cannot come back to her family which she wants to left behind her...

    About LOVE... One sided TRUE love is enough to support an everlasting relationship with least expectations.

    LOL...Apologies for a super long comment :P :P

  36. KP : Thank you :)
    I never said her husband was a heartless man but when the dust actually settles for good and two souls realize they're just addicted to each other and it isn't actually love, the best decision is to part ways :) Its all about perception.

  37. Just one thing.. It may not happen..
    But what if she thinks the same about Akash aftr 20yrs..??

    Good read though..!!

  38. Spicy Sweet : Thank you :)

    Supernickk : thank you :)

    Reicha : I love long comments :) They tell me that the person commenting has actually read my effort and tried to understand :)
    I never mentioned that Tanuj wasn't a considerate man. He was a nice human being but you don't fall for that. I mentioned 'These words were as close as Tanuj had ever got to my heart in these 20 years of our marriage.'

    And as I told KP also, Its all about perception. I myself will never live with a man whom I love, who doesn't love me back.

    As they say, marry the person who loves you, not the one whom you love.

    Love :)
    Take care :)

  39. These decisions are not said and done, they need a lot of courage and sacrifice from both the sides, I completely understand that this is for everyone's good but then again, is it this easy a task. You left me thinking!
    Nevertheless, very nicely written :)

    Love, Risha :)

  40. Kanthu : Its not about what she thinks or what she wants to think. Its not a deliberate effort shes making. Shes an intelligent woman of 41 years. Shes seen life and a loveless marriage. If shes making a decision like this, then she ought to have thought it over a million times.
    It took all her courage. And Akash here isn't some 20 year old college guy,He too is a mature sensible soul.

  41. Risha : No Rish, it never was that easy a task and never will be. It took her 20 long years to gather courage and walk out of her marriage. There are some cases like these in our country, they just don't see the light of the day. Or rather they don't want to see the light of the day.

  42. well im not goin to make point about tanuj or akash here...

    i just wanna say that i loved the way you write,(as always) and the emotions well portrayed in this post,very real indeed! and do write more <3

    way to go gal :)

  43. Interesting read. The way her husband communicated his thoughts to her was brilliantly articulated.

    Bring it on Buddy, Awesome job.

  44. You've set my mind thinking.
    This is lovely <3

  45. TOSM : Thank You :) I can't tell you how generous is that :)

    Atrocious : Thank you :) Your words are soo valuable :)

  46. loved the post, its simple and beautiful, it takes immense courage to stand up against set "norms" and expectations, and even more to have to live your life with someone who doesnt love you .

  47. I did read that! :D
    And 'Hilarious' here was used because God knows I was lost in which thoughts while posting a comment here.. ! :D
    So sorry... wrong adjective!
    I meant wonderful! :)
    You write so so very well! :)
    really sorry once again.. :D .. God I am so stupid !
    I need to so something of myself.. soon! :P

    Love :)

  48. That was so lovely and youre a great writer - love your blog - im following now :)

    - missshesaid.blogspot.com <3

  49. Touching.

    Its such a tough decision.. although it shouldn't be. Somebody loves you so you should be with them. But its never that simple..

    Tanuj realized his mistake but to what extent? When you have suffered for 20 yrs with this man.. who can say that he wont revert back to his old ways even after this realization?
    Although his words pinched me a little i think its good she decided to move out.. Requires a lot of courage!

    Am sure you've heard it a million times but you write well :)

  50. :) I am not an expert on relationships...so wont be able to comment on the depth of this one :) but loved the way the lady made up her mind...may in this case the wrinkle signifies a decision in a positive sense :) lovely piece...the images are still running in my mind :)

  51. I was captivated by the writing *instantly* and it held my attention for the duration of the story, which includes 'style' and 'topic'. That's my definition of a *gifted writer*! I enjoyed the beauty of the poetic imagery you used ~ brilliant writing, Serendipity! :-) x0x

  52. You know..what I got reminded of first..when I started reading..'the diary entry of a 41 year old woman..'..?

    Now..I don't know..whether you know or not (;)..but..I instantly thought of this film "The Bridges of Madison County". Do watch it..if if you haven't..This post kinda gives the same feeling...a lump in the throat.. in a good way :)

  53. I loved the way you wrote the whole thing.
    There are so many people who get abused, then their partners become nice for a while, they think they've changed and they stay, and the cycle continues. For a woman, in our society, to leave him and go to another man, would take a LOT of courage because she has no backing! I feel so bad for such people :(
    Beautifully written di !

  54. I loved reading this as much as I love reading others diary (didn't get much of a chance though) ...

    BTW, why did she wants to walk out of her marriage after twenty years? Didn't she realize Tanuj was not in love with her before? Poor lady, acting too late!

  55. Its beautifully written.I loved the way her dilemma is described by you.The way it progresses to a decision, considering all the factors in her life, is just fabulous.I truly am a fan.

    I got to know of your blog only after you started following mine.I read a couple of post and i wanted to read more.After few more, i was totally hooked! My decision to follow your blog purely comes from the reason that i am a fan now.You write brilliantly.

    My world,my thoughts,my musings...

  56. Menachery : Thank You :) It does take immense courage to stand up for what you believe in. Specially when you've been living with the wrong decision since years.

    Vanshika : Its okay :)

  57. Miss Cortni : Thank you for reading and dropping a word Cortni :)

  58. Girlatfirstavenue : You're right :) Its never that simple. although it should be. But anyways fiction changes all that. We can knit whatever we want :)
    Thank you for that compliment :)
    I adore your dresses :)

  59. India's no. 1 blog : Okay, I haven't read your blog much but I'd want to add you comment beautifully :P:):)
    Thank You :)

  60. Lady Diana : Thank you Diana :) Your comments are always very close to my heart :) xoxo :)

  61. Kunal : Thank You Kunal :) and no I haven't watched this flick, I'll catch up on it soon :)

    Nirati : Thank you N :) Where have you been hiding since so long ?

  62. Suresh : She isn't acting too late, shes just a victim of circumstances here, in the story that I mean.

    Upasana : Thank You Upasana :) The factors she was weighing were extremely important here, I'm glad you noticed. You awed me with your confession of why you followed me :) You should know I love you already.

  63. loved it!

    Nivedya and Lekshmi


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