The Year That Was Gracious

Because I don't do new year resolutions, a post like this was out of question. Writing about how the past 365 days changed your life is no easy task. People came and went, I cried, laughed, cared, loved, envied, desired, bitched, and above all, graduated, feelings grew, I started to write, you appreciated, a lot happened. I don't know why am I putting this in ink but something inside me says I should.

The only thing that hasn't changed is that I still don't feel I'm my age. I can finally drive without knocking somebody out, I can cook without burning myself ( No, that's not completely true ), I drunk my brains out on the last day of college (That is one story you'd never want to hear), L&T sent me my offer letter ( although I couldn't join because of some reason, but them wanting to hire me was reason enough to be ecstatic ), and as I am writing this I'm beginning to comprehend how awesome 2011 was.

I have been a lost lamb since past 6 months and it has made me realize how important is it for me to keep myself busy at all times. And all this free time has given me a better perspective about life and people now, I hope it isn't some sporadic incident, not that I've become preachy and don't enjoy watching 'Enchanted' and 'Aquamarine' now, but still, I can feel that little change in the my left ventricle.

I acknowledge my feelings in a way I've never done before. And I also know, no matter how many new and fun friends I make, the old ones will always stay glued to my heart. Although 2011 did brutally take some away but I don't care about things, people and situations that are beyond my repair mechanism. I've learnt to let go. Yes. I have. And trust me, it is the most peaceful feeling ever. Plus, I don't blame my fiery sunsign for my insane habits now. I now know, its pure me, it always was.

I never knew writing could give me such a high. I've never felt drunk on beatitude ever before. Reverence, is the word, and Now, is the time.

My dear 2011, You were a good kid, I wish your sibling loves me as much as you did, or rather more.

A very Happy New Year to all you beautiful people !



P.S. My two left feet promise to stick around forever, no new year can change that.

The Lambent Afternoon

"That hardly qualifies as consolation" She whined some more.

"Let somebody love you for who you are, not who they want you to be" He spoke with great fervor and the gleaming sun scandalized by throwing in the perfect ambience upon the busy street.

"Maybe its me, maybe I'm a little weird at times." A humorless chuckle decided to punctuate Kate's words.

"No, BECAUSE you're a little weird at times" He pulled her to himself in one quick motion and planted the sweetest kiss on her lips.

Have a Merry Christmas and A Merrier New Year :)

Smile, Giggle And Laugh

Smile. Always had more to it than what the world claimed to know. Sometimes a simple gesture, Sometimes pure, selfish pleasure. The world feels good today. I woke up and there was a smile on my lips. It is a usual day, but there is something extra-ordinarily unsual about it, or is it just me ? I got thinking about how a gesture so little can convey meanings so deep. I'm a simple girl, I don't dream a lot, I don't gaze at stars ( I, as a matter of fact, visit my terrace only when it rains, and I don't understand the concept of gazing at stars), I hate slangs, I adore people who have dimples on their cheeks, the intoxicating baby smell makes me smother them with kisses and eat them up, I'm not random, have never been, but I smile, a lot. Life has been very gracious to me when it comes to looking for reasons to smile and giggle about. They come naturally to me.

A few months back I decided to start writing a blog, journal the not so interesting incidents of my life, give fiction a try and when I published my first post about my mother, I was grinning ear to ear. My blog secretly became my guilty pleasure. Guilty because it is all I do and think about these days. I met a lot of beautiful people here, and I'm amazed at how much talent you all have. Genuinely amazed. I was loved, praised, welcomed with open arms and I reciprocated back with all my heart. But recently things have been a little hazy, words are not coming easy to me. They're making me struggle. I don't think I have it in me anymore. You won't see me posting for a while now. And I suddenly realize maybe that's what the smile was all about. My mind knew it had reached some conclusion :) It just wanted me to comprehend and process it.

I have no idea for better or for worse but I will be back :)

Any bitter-sweet messages you have for me, please please please materialize them into words and send them to me.

And do not forget to Smile, Giggle And Laugh a little more everyday :)

That way I'm leaving a part of me with you :)

XOXO

Frozen Fate

He stroked her beautiful brown tresses with his fidgety fingers. A tremor went through his body but she did not move. The whining fan squeaked to a halt and the only voice in the room died with it. He always knew, silence had more to itself than what met the blinking eye. His throat felt parched, but he was too afraid to leave her side. Something inside him told him she would leave him forever if he so much as moved an inch. He did not want to lose what was left of her. The floor felt frigid and frosty, so did her limp body. He kissed her on her left cheek, kept his empty bottle of misery aside and cradled her to his chest like a new born, petrified that his touch would scar her flawless skin.

Her hair were wet, his hand could feel it, but it didn't feel like water, it felt dark, thick and ugly. He never adored the color red and always thought it signified death, but suddenly, it seemed to have filled his vision. It was blood. Her blood. His stained hand started to tremble. He hurriedly wiped it off her black dress. This is her favorite dress, she will be furious with me when she wakes up. The dizziness was making it hard to keep it together, his head felt unusually heavy, the room was spinning at an alarming rate. The alcohol and coke in his system were waiting to swallow him up like hungry demons. A quick flashback ran inside his head. It came back in bits.

Did...drink today...also...don't you understand...marriage.....no job... future....is the..... limit..cannot...creep...stay anymore...my father was...right......

In broken little steps, he reached his phone, dropped the pistol and dialled 911. "I..I...umm I think, I.....just.....shot my...my..wife"

Yes, I'm trying to send out a message and I expect you to pass it on further. A certain news in today's newspaper itched my scratch to write about people sealing their fates giving in to alcohol and drugs. As they say 'When the wine is in, the wit is out', and the decisions thereafter become synonymous to lifetime regrets.

.. I Love You But I Love Myself More

I'd be lying if I'd say I've forgotten you.

I'd be lying if I'd say tears don't brim up my eyes when I think of you.

I'd be lying if I'd say I don't love you.

I became permeable when I let you in my heart.

And you consumed me,

much more than what I was willing to relinquish,

There is more of you, than me, in myself now,

You made me grow out of it.

I've fallen out of love.

Those wounds would never heal,

You've left me with one little souvenir,

The one thing, I'll cherish forever,

That still keeps me going,

is Strength.

That cage isn't my home now,

I feel liberated,

I love you

But I love myself more,

And am not ashamed to say so.

These lines have no business in my life. These have been written for those people who let their better half suck all the happiness out of their life, just because they once thought they were meant to be together for eternity. When two people are deeply in love, they promise each other the moon and the sun, but once the veil of adoration starts to lift itself, this love can become a sad,toxic version of itself.

Have the heart to speak up for what you think makes sense and see how the world becomes a beautiful place to live in once again. Love yourself first. Breathe. Make decisions. Love is not supposed to make you miserable.

When I heard Samantha say 'I love You but I love Myself more' in 'The Sex and the City' for the first time, I fell for her all the more.

I ♥ Phoebe Buffay !

You've got to watch this :D

Skinny Love

Music and its swirl of magic. Rhythm so enchanting you want to drown your soul into it. The breath-taking delight of shoving in the earphones. The saxophone throbbing right in the center of your head. Lyrics so heartfelt, your skin breaks into goosebumps. Just when you're giving in to the slow melody, the hard rock kicks in. Your head swirls into a mad frenzy. The swing. The harmony. Acoustics. And finally the beats knock in, exploding a shimmer of joy inside you. A dizzying spell is cast. Ecstasy unfurls its wings and makes you fly. High. Beatitude pulsating against your heart, hammering its smile into it. The intoxicating trance of mirth engulfs you. Insatiable, you're left wanting for more.

Birdy - Skinny Love

Music is my very soul.

My playlist right now

• Birdy - Skinny Love
• Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
• Firework - Katy Perry
• Hey There Delilah - Plain White T

A Word Of Love

Serendipity

The Oxford says it means 'A happy accident'. And that is what happened to me. Deciding to blog was the best thing to have happened to me in this past one year. Because blogger has become an inseparable part of me in these 6 months and has made me meet these utterly beautiful people, I plan to drop in a little 'word of love' for them. This blog has seen me write my first fiction, it has seen me cry for my long lost best friend, it has seen me frustrated, it has seen me ranting senselessly, it has seen me changing its destined title 'Little Moments Of Bliss' to 'Wishful Ramblings' and back, now it needs to know how much I adore you and your work.

This post is to let you know that even if my lazy bum doesn't comment much, I read you and I love what you write, be it your own work or your comments on my blog. My 11.11.11 gift to you :)

The only thing this life of mine has taught me is 'Adore while you still can'.

And I've decided to do just that by giving you this Blissful Blog Award today.

You may forward this award to your fellow bloggers and spread the love :)

Meghna - This girl wrote her very first words when she was 3, you don't believe me ? See for yourself. Her intricate detailing of the mad woman and her wobbly stomach will make you swoon over her pen :) Most of her work is hidden in her laptop or Facebook notes where only a few people can read it. I was the happiest person on earth when she started blogging. And girls, read this and then have the nerve to tell me you don't love her like I do ;) 

Crystal - Not many bloggers know me and this absolute gem of a person share the same name :) (And to be clear, her actual name is not Crystal ;)) You know what, I generally don't hold affection for girls who share my name with me, but you and this other friend of mine are my beautiful exceptions. And about your blog, all I wonder now is why didn't I spot you earlier ? Seriously Crys, where were you ? Lost and Found made me fall for you :* And do not change your blog's title, Pentagram is who you are, don't abandon it midway.

Shashank - This guy in the mirror had started reading my blog a couple of months ago. He was just another face in the crowd for me, until one day when I checked my mail and found out a certain shashank Sapre had taken the pain of reading my every post and commented what he truly felt. From a blogger's point of view, if a fellow bogger digs through your old posts, thats when you know you're doing it right :) His blog does not follow any guy conventions, he'll write about PMS and the fact that he'll miss his college with equal enthusiasm :) Go, pay him a visit.

Musings of a Troubled Mind - One of the very few people who actually take the pain of reading what you've written, comment a whole post in return and make you feel its all worthwhile :) My sad posts get me a cheerful happy mail from him and my faith in goodness is so restored :) I'd rather call you Musings of an Optimistic Mind :)

Deepthi - Yes, I'm very particular about that 'H' in your name. Your header is awesome. Stay with it for a little longer Deepthi :) You deserve this award, your blog is peaceful in its own respect. And women, you just can't argue with them. Your titles always take me by a happy breeze of freshness. Do. Not. Ever. Stop. Innovating :) Grab this award :)

Suvaiba - When I opened the Soul Sister link on Crystal's blog, I knew you'd be special. The fact that you understood my heart's ache for B so aptly and did not advice me to go and call her up makes you all the more lovable. You're one of the few who understood I can never get back to her. Lips soaked with venom speaks volumes for what wonders you can do with your pen :)

Aakriti - Writing is her world. More so, I'd say she can't go a couple of days without treating her readers :) The beautiful compositions of her Yarn of Words will take you by a surprise :) One of the many things I love about you is that you never comment if you haven't read what I've written. Some people do this and it set my blood boiling :D Your comments are the best :) And Aakriti, tell your dad I said he is totally handsome ;)

Sameera - Yours is the blog that I have been digging rigorously this week Sam (if I may call you that) and Silhouettes couldn't have gone better. You are an amazing writer and your 55Fiction series inspired me to start my own :) Your blog truly deserves this award, It gave me several blissful moments this week :)

Cricket Freak - Okay, back when I was in school, al I used to do was wander around without any sense and laugh with my best friend all day long :D and here you are, making a journal of the most important phase of being a teenager. I so love you for that :) Even I hate it when babies cry :D It just gets onto my last nerve left. Guess we have more in common than what we know :)

Isha Maniar - Hey there, my little chocolate hater ;) I was at my happiest when I found out there's this another living soul who hates chocolate as much as I do :) Your short, crisp, absolutely from the-bottom-of-your-heart posts, make me love your blog :)

PeeVee - How can I possibly imagine blogger without you Priyanka ? You are an amazingly happy soul, you make me want to write and the way you made these recent characters of your latest fiction make love before parting ways, I love you even more :) That picture of you and Nandu is super-cute and no, the camera doesn't hate you :)

Hazel - Pablo's angel is as beautiful as her blog :) She writes about teeny-weeny little things that happen to her and you love her more with each passing day. Her list of ambitions in life will force you to make one of your own. You'll love her for how simple and honest she is :)

Red Handed - Need I introduce this mysterious young woman to you all ? :D Your blog makes me think why doesn't all this funny stuff happen to me ;) Your wit and your sarcasm is a unique form of bliss Red :) And yes, the mystery adds to the fun.

Lady Fiona - A true princess with a pen of gold. Soul mother to my favorite blogger, You write with all your clear conscience and Masquerade was your best post for me :) Behind that deceitful disguise remains to be my favorite phrase since the day I read it. You're gifted Fiona, truly gifted and you look so beautiful in that profile picture of yours :) Stay the same.

Anuranjani - First things first Anu (Yes, that's what I'm calling you :)), you are a notable newbie :) Yes, that's awesome. Your comments and that pretty mail of yours made me feel loved and I want to make the feeling mutual by telling you that you are a great writer sweetheart. I shall be a regular reader from now on.

Alcina - Okay, so to be honest, I haven't read enough of her work, but she was so graciously nice when she wrote those beautiful words of praise for me on her 100th post. that was my moment of Bliss Alcina. I'm starting to stalk you now.

Chintan - Okay, first things first, Sourabh is one hell of a lucky guy (Did I remember his name correctly ? :D), And you intimidate me because I have writer's block almost everyday and here you come up with this-one-awesome-than-the-previous-one posts everyday. I like it that you're so blunt and your blog name couldn't be more apt :)

Blahblaholic - And here comes my beautiful N. fellow-blogger-cum-sister. I know this brought a smile on your pretty face, and now you're nodded with those curly tresses in approval :), She makes people meet in boring parties and then they walk home hand in hand very much in sweet love :) And to top the awesomeness level, she even writes poetry. Grab the award N :)

Mohammad Israr - Considering his amusing blog, you'd never know he is somebody with a solid sciense research background. His write-ups and his modern day take on old age stories can really give you quite a complex. And I shouldn't fail to mention, Israr's comments can make your day :)

Diana - A fragile clay jar with a treasure inside. Isn't that just too beautiful a name for a blog Diana ;) Your comments make me happy and don't ever stop writing :)

Normal.Is.Overrated - Just the perfect mixture of strength and independence. She'll write about how people shouldn't wear masks, be the real them, and you'll feel the chill too :)

The other side of me - When I read her first ever fiction love story, I knew Tosm was one of my kind. And Tosm, one thing you didn't know is that we both have a thing for dimples. They're so cute. I seriously wish to marry a guy with dimples someday. And I know deep down you wish the same girl :) Grab the award :)

Ananya - Chicolate. Isn't that just too innovative ? Visit this angel's blog only with some forewarning, specially if you're a girl, her posts will make you drool over your computer screen. Her posts about Cinderella's stupid act of leaving her shoe behind made me running to the shoe store and secure another pair for myself. Yes, those posts have that magic ;)

The blue Periwinkle - I don't have words to describe the awesome pictures this another friend from aamchi-mumbai clicks. Go and see for yourself :)

SukuPedia - You became special the moment you became my 200th reader Sunita :) People, visit her blog asap, because she has promised a lot of love this November. Grab your share from it and spread it :)

Uff, that is writing something. Place this award on your blog and let people know you dwell in a blissful place.

I'm sorry if I've left anybody who feels they should be on this list. I'll have another one coming up soon.

Have a Happy day :)

Irrevocable Words [55Fiction #1]

Though every syllable felt like a lie, he knew he had to come clean. She knew too. It was now or never. The words finally stung her, loud and clear, 'We should be friends now'.
A warm tear trickled down and she thought ,Everytime you walk away, you take a piece of me with you.

Best Friends Are NOT Forever

That one friend you loved the most, that one friend you shared your most dirty secrets and fantasies with, that one friend who ripped you apart like a heartless butcher, that one friend will always matter the most.

I clicked on the'New Post' button as soon as I logged in today thinking I'd just write about it and get it over with. But here I am, staring at the blank screen from the past 3 minutes wondering why do I even want to write about her. She broke me, she made me cry my eyes out, reached heights of misunderstanding me and still, there is that little corner of my heart that wishes her the best of all worlds.

She was my best friend for as long as I remember. We were joint-at -the-hip twins. I had more in common with her than I had with myself. People used to call us the alpha-beta couple. Perhaps because my name starts with an 'A' and hers with a 'B'. And we always took pride in it's lameness :D, because we thought they both can't exist without each other. Well, apparently they can. I've spent the most beautiful years of my teen age with her. Technically, she was my better half. We've played, yes played, laughed, cried, and even had pimples together. More so, we even started PMSing in the same time frame. I promised her that I'd be that crazy aunt who'll spoil her kids. We literally took an oath that we'd tell each other everything about our first nights. No, that isn't cheesy, that was two little 17 years old giggling and promising to be bffs forever.

Laughing like maniacs over something as petite as a tongue slip was routine. I haven't laughed like that since the day we've stopped talking. I miss that. I want my stomach to hurt when I laugh. It just doesn't happen now. I wish we'd never played the 'You've changed, a lot' game. We both lost. Each other. I don't miss her, I don't want her back, but my mind and heart refuse to shut down her memories. We've broken up hundreds of times, called each other names, but it never got this nasty. It has almost been an year since I've seen her now.

She left a void. I have many beautiful people in my life right now. Everything is stable and lovely. But the void still exists. They love me, I love them. They care. I care. It still doesn't feel the same. I know it never will. This void has crept beneath my skin. Looks like you're only allotted a certain amount of tears per person and I've used up mine. Her absence doesn't make my eyes moist now. It feels like autumn. Dry autumn.

I love you B, I always do, even while I hate you.

My Tangle of Mysterious Prejudice

This post has won the fourth prize in Dove's 'Damage Therapy Range' contest.

They swirl, they twirl, they dance, they entangle his desire - Your hair - don't have them, wear them.

Ask a man 'how would you want your girl to do her hair' and pat comes the reply 'She's at her sexiest when they're messily tied up. I love them like that.'

Hair represent a woman's every mood with equal elegance.

A formal event - you tie them up to compliment your attire.

Cooking - you curl up a bun so that it keeps them from falling.

Wanna cuddle ? - you mess'em up.

Stroll with friends - let them loose and breathe.
*Thinking of a story to blog about - pick up some strands, roll them on your index finger, feel good, pretend like you're in deep thought process and eventually laugh at your own stupidity :D

I never accessorize. I'm not an accessory person. I like to compensate it with my hair. I don't have them, I wear them. I don't have 'the' perfect hair every woman dreams of but they're mine, they demand care from me like its their birth right, and I love them for it.

I give them proper moisturization and believe me, even if you have oily hair, they need some moisture and conditioning.
They serve me loyally in my hour of need and that covers up for their little mischief every now and then. I desperately wish I had a poetic streak somewhere in me because a poem would express me the best right now. Its an itch I cannot scratch. *:D* I scare away couplets, they never wander anywhere near 50 miles of my presence.

When I saw Kangna's curls in Gangster, I fell for them instantly. My hair have been wavy all my life. My want for 'curls-like-the-mad-girl-in-gangster-has' grew and became a need overnight. It demanded my mom's immediate attention. Her naturally curly curls even hid her bad accent and evil acting skills in it, for me, of course :D. It was an incident my mom would never forget. She threw in all kinds of distractions and I don't quite recall which one of them walked its way to glory. Anyhow, I was a kid back then. 2 years ago, a very dear friend of mine, who had the most beautiful hair you could ever want, got her straight locks curled. Before I could aid her 'screaming-for-help' hair, the damage was done. She was born and raised with silk threads on her head and this change threw her into the oh-so-curly 'Kangna' land. A month later, she went into the same salon and got her hair re-bonded, which was double the damage. Although superficially she looked the same as she did with her natural hair, but because I knew the story, I could spot the burnt ends and the irreparable damage.

I swore that very day, never in my life would I torture my hair like that.

Take my word : Do not ever go for curls if you haven't been blessed with them naturally. You will be charged with brutal murder. Of your innocent hair.


I was in a big serious dilemma last month. I had recently joined the gym and my sweaty hair screamed for a bath almost everyday. I couldn't torture them with the regular shampoo everyday so I consulted my homeopathic physician (Yes, I do that often and she's my godmother). I'm not writing the next line because I am going to submit this post on Indiblogger, I cross my heart and swear not to lie :P. She told me to switch to Dove :) She said I could use it even on a 1 year old baby's hair, its that mild. I drove my way to happy hair back home :) I began writing this post because of this sole incident :)

My hair aren't very great, but they're happy and healthy, which is far more important :) They have their regular dose of oiling, spas, conditioning and home remedies (they work like nothing else does) :)

Tangled remains to be my favorite animated movie of all times :) Not exaggerating :D

P.S. I always correct people when they pluralize hair as 'hairs'. It grosses me out a little.

This was my hair story. What's yours ?

Read these and submit yours on Indiblogger here :)

Because life is full of challenging and frustrating moments until the day you eventually find a hair-product that is tailor-made for your hair :) Mine is Dove :)

My Chocolaty Festive Spirit

Little Moments Of Bliss :)

There is something so naturally happy about this festive season that you can almost sense it in the air around you, specially in the evening. With Diwali round the corner, mom bribed me into making these chocolates for her guest's kids. Haha, pick up that jaw, I seriously made them and trust me its just a matter of minutes ;) Yes, 'Serendipity is a catch' :P:D Say that out loud and you can have one of those rose lollipops above the 'M' :P You know, the kind of kids that jump at the sight of my yummy looking chocolates, I adore them :) I remember an incident from last year. A kid followed me to our kitchen where I mixed in right proportions of what was needed to make my perfect squash. He thought I was slyly planning on poisoning their drinks :D, he acted like a spy and ran to his granny saying 'Don't drink whatever she's bringing, I saw her mixing some orange liquid in it' :D :D Plus this year, my friends are in for a surprise, I stole Papa's Royal Challenge and made liquor chocolates too.

Although it isn't that difficult and I'm hoping most of you know how to make chocolates at home, still, if you're interested in the 'how' part of it, leave me your e-mail id in the comments and I'll be more than happy to reply. And in return, you have to be my blog's critic. You have to tell me what do you most hate and love about my amateur blog :P The 'hate' part isn't that mandatory though :P And you know you love me, be politely critical :P

A little tip for newbies on blogger, stop leaving comments saying 'Hey, new reader, I'm following, why don't you follow me back ?' It won't take you a long way. Its gross and it gets on to my nerves. Kindly stop doing that. Follow me because you like what I offer, not because you need me to follow you back. I follow a lot of beautiful blogs, not because the writers asked me to, but because I love the way they make the transition from their minds to their pens. Its not about the no. of followers, the no. of comments, its only about 'content'.

I received this comment on my last post.

Deliver content, and acknowledge appreciation. 


That is the mantra.

P.S. No offense to any chocolate lover, but for the record, I personally hate chocolates. They're too brown, too sweet and too dark.

Of the hand that held hers

Ridhima was dead. Sarah had overheard some doctors discuss over how should they break this news to her. She was not able to move any part of her bruised body below her neck. Was the accident so bad ? The grief was too big to acknowledge. She knew she will be alone for the rest of her life. Was it only a few weeks ago when I broke the news to them ? Everything came flooding back to her.

She remembered that day.

***

It was the day. It was finally the day. It was the day Sarah was going to remember for the rest of her life. She had put on her blue pullover because somebody had once told her shades of blue represent peace and calm.

'No, I should probably change into my safe pair of denims' Sarah thought.

A brawl over her short skirt was the last thing Sarah wanted to happen that day.

Her panic was rising with each passing microsecond. She could almost taste bile in her throat. She picked up her phone and called Ridhima for the 50th time. Her network switched to voicemail.

'Where on earth are you R ? You better be on your way to my place. I'm on my way to panic-death here. This isn't just about us now. I need you to grow up and take some responsibility.'

and Sarah disconnected the call. She hadn't realized, her forehead was dripping with sweat. She opened her closet, picked out her white towel that came as a thank you gift from her spa, wiped off all the sweat from her face and took the longest breath of her life, muttering

'They are my parents, they brought me to life, they have to love me, no matter what, its their duty to love me, this isn't a crime, its just the way I'm made, they have to broaden their horizons and grasp what I have to offer this time. its all going to be okay'

and she exhaled from her mouth.

At that second, the doorbell rang. Her heart picked up pace. This better be her. It was her. Sarah's ears picked up traces of warm greetings from the ground floor, her parents seemed to be in the best of their moods. Ridhima climbed up the stairs in a hurry, almost tripped once and finally reached Sarah's room. As soon as she entered, Sarah hugged her. They held each other for a long one and a half minutes, as though trying to dissolve their worries into each other.


My decision is correct, its all worth it, SHES all worth it, I love her, and it is time to stand up for what I believe in.

Sarah's mother's voice broke the embrace, but they were still holding each other. 'Let's do it Sarah' Ridhima said and smiled her disturbingly beautiful smile.

Downstairs, Sarah's father was reading his daily morning newspaper and cribbing about the presence of everything but news in the newspaper, and her mother was busy in the kitchen. Sarah nudged her elbow into Ridhima's ribs and whispered I love them, I don't want to be abandoned, she was close to tears. Even her whisper was hoarse and husky. Ridhima knitted her fingers with hers and squeezed her hand gently. They love you way too much to abandon you. Stop panicking Sarah, I love you, don't ever forget that. Its now or never.


S - Good Morning Dad.
Dad - Good Morning my angels.
S - I want to talk to you Dad.


He folded his newspaper, put down his specs and looked at her daughter. The seriousness in her daughter's voice was alien.

Dad - Sure beta, whatever it is.
R - No uncle, We want to talk to both of you together. Lets wait for aunty to finish with her toasts.


In a minute, Sarah's mom appeared out of kitchen with a dish full of yummy-looking toasts.

Dad - Okay kids, let's eat first, and then I'm all yours, he smiled.
Ridhima - No uncle, it's important.
He looked at them with curious analyzing eyes, his eyebrows meeting in the middle of his forehead, and said Okay.

Sarah - Okay. Dad, I know this is going to come as a shock to you at first but I very desperately need you to understand what I'm about to say now. I am 23 and I don't want you to assume that I'm immature. It isn't a choice. Its what I am. Its how I'm made. I'm happy with life but I cannot survive without your consent. Okay ?
Mom - You're scaring us now. Just tell us. What is it ?
Sarah - Mom, Me and R, we love each other.


Her dad laughed hearing that.


Dad - We know that baby, We know you both are less of friends and more of sisters. And we love you too. Where is the news in this ?
Ridhima - Uncle, you don't understand. Its not the sister-love, its the lover-love. We want to get married.
S's mom ignored the hint, smiled and said 'Oh, Is this about marriage ? Hari, our daughters are grown up ladies now'

Sarah - No mom, You really don't get it or are you just pretending not to acknowledge it ? I love Ridhima and I want to marry her. I'm a lesbian mom. Deep down somewhere, you've always known this. I could sense it.


Silence took over. Sarah's parents stared into thin air. Nobody said another word for the next minute. Finally Ridhima said 'We love each other aunty. It doesn't make us any different. It just makes us brave enough to accept it. We are made this way. Please try to understand'

They both left the room and did not talk to Sarah for 2 days. After 2 days of misery, her dad came to her room and tried to talk her out of it. He wanted Sarah to meet a shrink for a purification ritual and this proposition broke her completely. Her mom wanted her to start with therapy. A week passed, and their house was still filled with an unknown awkward air. After months of endless arguments and discussions, Sarah finally had to leave her parent's house to start a new life with Ridhima. They did not want the society to know about her.

3 days after moving out, Sarah and Ridhima's car met with an accident.

***

The soft blue walls of the hospital filled Sarah's vision. All she knew was that Ridhima was dead. Warm tears flowed down her cheeks and she could not even wipe them off on her own. An eager nurse sprang to help her and asked 'Oh great, you're awake ma'am, do you want me to call anybody ? your family ? you will need their support through all this' 

'No, I'm alone, I don't have a family.'

5 days after the accident, Sarah also joined Ridhima in heaven. Her parents never tried to find out how their daughter was.

I wish people had better understanding of human nature and braced it with open arms. 

The 10 Day 'Me' Challenge - Eight Fears.

With not much happening in my life lately, which implies having nothing much to write about lately, I've resorted to this 10 Day Challenge Posts, not necessarily in order :) I'm giving you a chance to know the chirpy me and forget about the 'Dark & Twisty' me :). The gym pains are gone, I lost some weight :D, I smile more, I actually laugh more :D, Yea, that's my favorite smiley :). I thought I'll leave gym after a month because some of you advised me to, but there is a change of plan :). My gym now offers 4 fish pedicures, 4 steam baths and 4 face spa's plus training plus aerobics, all at just Rs. 1500 per month :) Yes, I am one lucky girl :P I cannot part ways with it. Its awesome. But I still can't touch my toes with my fingers without bending my knees, work in progress :P

1. My people dying on me - I have been watching Grey's Anatomy from quite some time now and it struck me 'accidents happen' and 'people die' (You can't blame me if I'm talking too much about it, the show just doesn't seem to end, its 8th season is on air). 7 years ago, I was woken up at 4am by my mom, she informed me that my sick cousin, who had been fighting for her life since past one month, had died. My parents left in a haste, telling me to lock all doors after they're gone. I did not cry. I was too shocked to cry. I didn't sleep. I made it to the school that day and suddenly in the middle of the assembly I burst out. I cried because I had lost my sister. I cried because I suddenly realized how unfair it was for people to die on their loved ones. We never met much. We weren't that close. We saw each other only on occasions and family get-togethers. But it was a loss. It always will be.

2. Fear of drowning in the SEA - Yea, you read it right. I don't have the fear of drowning in water. I think it might happen in the sea. o_O There is just too much never-ending water in the sea.

3. Are you afraid of the Dark ? - Yes, I am. I am a light person. I love light. Bright shiny light. I can't function in the dark. It scares me to my very bones. Me and my friends visited that setup of a 'Haunted House' once. It was unexpectedly dark. It has almost been an year and I still apologize for digging my nails into D's hands :D.

For the record. D is my best-friend :). The kind that sobers you down when you are down with 9 tequila shots, brings you home, puts you to bed, tells your mom 'Aunty, the sun was too harsh today. She has a very bad head-ache, please don't wake her up until she wakes up on her own' and reassures her a 100 times that she isn't lying :P Only if you get that :P

4. Syringe - When I was a little girl, flu loved me. It paid visits every now and then and this stupid doctor stuck me with injections every time it did. Needles scared me. I used to try and explain mom about how serious this fear was but she thought it was a kid anxiety attack. Then one fine day, God helped :D. The nurse stuck me with an injection and I blacked out on the stretcher :D Mom was hyper-tensed. The doctor pointed out that it was not because of my fever, it was because I was too scared. Mom got a piece of God's mind and swore she would never let me go under a syringe again :D Shes keeping her word even today :D

5. Partner fear - I haven't dated much. It has always been more about friends than it has ever been about a relationship. And in this process, I have surprisingly and innocently created a huge mountain of expectations for my partner to meet. I'm afraid he won't be able to meet them :(

6. Crying infront of another living soul - I am a cry baby but definitely not a console baby. You don't get to console me. I cry. A lot. I cried even when Marshall's father died in HIMYM, I mean who does THAT. I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm sad. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I wasn't this fragile earlier. And I have no clue why it happens now. But my biggest fear is letting another person see me cry.

7. Fear of gaining ineffable amount of weight - Why is all the yummy and tasty food hazardous to my health and skin ? Its just beyond me.

8. Running out of stuff to blog about - Okay, now that's a newly developed fear. Since I'm not working or studying for the next 3 months, I'm afraid I might soon run out of stuff to write about. I know I share this bullet with some of you ;). 

It didn't end up being as chirpy as I thought it'd be but its going to get better :)

Have a good night :)

Hugs.

Little Moments Of Bliss

R.I.P. Steve Jobs

3 Apples changed the world. 1st one seduced Eve, 2nd fell on Newton and the 3rd was offered to the world half-bitten by Mr. Jobs.
I woke up to the news of this legend biting the dust at 56. This was more of a shock because I own his half-bitten apple. It still is the kind of news that my mind fails to comprehend. He was a man who looked beyond education, he believed in knowledge and taught the world how to live before you die.
His eaten apple was a turn-on for everybody who ever owned it.
You will always remain an inspiration Steve, God took you away from this world, maybe He needs you to start a new revolution and create iHeaven for him. 
The man left his legacy behind for the world to cherish. May he reach heaven.

The Reason

Life isn't very fair and I haven't bragged anything about it in my blog yet, except of course, the mannequin post. You can handle the pressure, but you can't handle it's overflow, or can you ?

My parents have lived in a joint family all their lives which obviously implies that I have lived in a joint family all my life, and when you have elders, and their elders, over you, your decisions are never your own. They are made for you. Worse case scenario - You are a girl. Your safety is the prime reason of their existence. I'm not complaining. I don't complain. I'm not that kind. But when they don't let you finish what you started, for safety reasons, it hurts, and it hurts bad. They tell me, 'you've never lived alone, how can we let you live alone in a big city like that ? job is not that important' I tell them 'I've never lived alone because you've never let me'.

My college ended 3 months ago and this idleness is killing, literally killing me. I can't look for a new job for next 3 months (due to some family issues again). I haven't been commenting and visiting your blogs much only because they tell me that you are happy and I am not. I'm sorry because you will have to cope up with my sad posts for a little longer. Please do not stop reading me :D Oh, humor, makes me glad. I don't need a gym, but I've joined one to direct my idle negative energies towards my workout, and then I thought, it won't hurt much either. I've received some mails concerning my last post and after reading them, it felt like I am some depressed maniac who needs desperate therapy. It didn't feel very good, which is why I disabled direct comments there. I'd rather say, walk a mile in my shoes and then kick the ball whichever way you want to.

I'd like a special mention to this particular mail that made me smile amidst this all, Musings Of a Troubled Mind sent me a mail saying he misses my write-ups, it felt good, beyond words.

I love my family, I love my father, I like catching him red handed stealing cookies from the kitchen :D (Mom doesn't let him eat them due to his diabetes), I love my mom, shes overprotective and takes too much stress, but that is how mothers are, right ? Mine is no different. Mine is infact more sweet and nice :) But are joint families synonymous to joint decisions ? It just doesn't feel right. I was avoiding writing about this since a long time, fearing that you all might think I've lost my sanity and I hate my family. But writing is all about venting out, feeling good and light-hearted, isn't it ?

I wrote the above thing 3 hours ago, I couldn't complete because some cousins crashed my blogging hour :D, but strangely, now I don't feel negative anymore :) That's a good thing, good progress, I suppose :)

You know, sometimes a very different thought also crosses my mind, it says 'You have been working your ass off for 4 years trying hard not to get a supplementary and be a software engineer with flying colors, you deserve this break :D, wake up at 12, have brunch, watch Derek getting back to Meredith, PeeVee :D, call and disturb the ones at work, go to gym, watch tv and smile :)'

I'd better listen to this voice now, I like it :) Sitcoms are so darn consuming, I love them. Suggestions anybody ?

P.S. I'm not in as bad a shape as this post might picture for you. Please don't leave me a comment saying 'Life is like this for everybody, don't worry, it'll pass' instead, tell me some funny stories from your awesome day :):). I've read this post 3 times just to re-re-check that I don't send any wrong hint pointing towards the thought that I'm not happy with my parents, but still, if I have faltered somewhere, you should know it was not intentional. They're my angels.

They got me this unexpected surprise cake on this Dughter's day :)

Love

Me

I am a Mannequin

It doesn't complain, It doesn't shout, It doesn't argue, It doesn't fall in love, It just absorbs, and more and more and then some more. When I see people living the life I always wanted for myself, I start feeling like a mannequin. Presented to the society as a civilized, sweet girl in her early twenties, but broken on the inside. Damaged beyond repair. Refrained from reacting. Some things just never turn out the way they should and the bad news is that it is nobody's fault. You cannot blame anybody. Every time I start getting comfortable in my skin, it is ripped off of me and a new one is put on. I fall for other people's pleasures. Is this destiny ? Change is constant, it is a fact, but it doesn't come across as necessary. At times you just want to park yourself on a comfortable couch, put your best manners on display and simply absorb whats going on. I've always felt mannequins have more to them, as a child, I used to stare at them, but using them as metaphors for my own life never matured as a thought in my mind.

I'm disabling comments on this post because I don't want to come across as emotionless and cold. This is just a phase and it'll pass. If there is something you desperately want to share, meet me here.

~Serendipity~

Feel Blessed !

3 days back, I woke up to find that my eyes were not their regular classic blend of black and white, they were in fact a much more legendary amalgamation of red, black and white. My pupil looked like the sun of the solar eclipse hurling out red rays.

I rushed towards mom in a haste never known before, for I had the last exam of my B.Tech odyssey, 2 days later, that would qualify me as a software engineer.

I was noways going to let my eyes, ruin it for me. We reached the ophthalmologist in no time, giving in to the exigency of the situation. 

I witnessed something there, that made my heart weep. While I was impatiently waiting for my turn, a young couple entered with their little 4-5 months old daughter.

My own eyes were such a stupid mess that I did not give them any second look. But to my horror, they had not come to get their own eyes treated, they had come for their daughter.

Upon listening this, I took as close a look as I could permit myself staying stuck to my seat. That baby's left pupil was grayish-white. The doctor checked her before me (although they came after me. I wouldn't have appreciated this for anybody else if it wasn't for this baby's eye) and unfortunately I was forced to listen to that conversation. 

Doctor - It's better now.

Mother (her face lit with hope) - will she be alright ?

Doctor - I cant say that right away. As of now, carry on with the same medicines. 

Mother - Can she see from this eye ?

Doctor - No, not yet. But I can assure you, she will, someday. And this mark will stay forever.

Mother (bombed by the news) - Is there nothing we can do to remove the mark ? No surgery ? No operation ?

Doctor - No. No ophthalmologist in this world can cure this. Its like you get a bruise on some part of your body, get it treated well, but still, the mark never leaves. 

Mother (almost in tears) - when should we come next ?

Doctor (With the same straight face throughout) - Come next Friday and increase the dosage of these drops to 3 times a day.

I almost had a tear or two flooding my eyes, thanks to that little infection I had bored, nobody noticed.

Neither did they choose their poverty, nor did you choose your castle.

Help people in all possible ways. It will be your Moment of Bliss.

We complain about broken nails, ill-fitted dresses, bad exams, being over-weight, fat asses, love life trouble and what not but that day, I realized people have problems of a much serious scale and a much bigger magnitude.

My eye infection would have been okay the next morning had I washed them with cold refrigerated water 4-5 times a day but still I visited the doctor.

God divided this world into two concepts- the privileged and the unprivileged.

Most of you reading this fall in the former category and still moan about those petty non-existent things.

My purpose of sharing this incident with you is to tell you to feel privileged and blessed. Help, Pray and be Thankful. God has been very grateful to you, you owe him this lovely life of yours.

I pray for that little baby and expect you also to take some time out for her and talk God into curing her completely.

This post was written somewhere in June 2011 and I had just begun to write back then. My eyes were a little bad this morning and I got reminded of that baby. And because I have a decent sweet number of readers now, I'm re-posting it. I want more people to realize life's fair to us and its just a matter of realization.


Have a good day :)

Painful Escape

This is the diary entry of a 41 year old woman who wants to walk out of her marriage of 20 years, away from Tanuj, the man who never loved her, and into the arms of Akash, the man who acquainted her with true love. Her twin daughters have made it clear that if she does so, she will be a childless woman for the rest of her life.


Dear Diary,

I haven't written you in a long while now. and I've truly missed you. Its time, its time for me to make a decision. My stomach is clenching even as I am writing this, its like somebody is rolling a dough inside it. Its a hard dough. My girls, they are merely 19. Would it be the right thing to do at this time ? I can't afford to lose their love, their warmth, if at all they have some for me. It all feels wrong, and right, both at the same time. I have never been this confused in my entire life. And if I don't make a choice now, my heart will grieve till eternity. Akash has given me all the support and love I was expecting from Tanuj, I had rented my heart and soul to this marriage, but it just isn't working. You are such a patient listener. I wish you could drop a word of advice in desperate times like these.

Silence is engulfing me from all sides, its making me nauseous, its becoming hrad hard to write. See there, I made my first spelling mistake in you. Is this pen trying to humor me ? But I can't stop. It all has to escape my system and pouring it down into the depths of your diaphanous pools of white paper is my only rescue plan.


Last night Tanuj came to my bedroom around 1am. I was wide awake. I sat upright and he sat next to me cupping my hands in his. I thought he was going to lure me into staying or beat me into the argument 'How did you even think of such a thing' but his words were the last things I was expecting out of him at that hour.


He said 'When you first told me about Akash, I was writhing with pure rage. The man in me felt defeated, as if his manhood was being raped off and he could do nothing about it. My wife was falling for another man and I was just a spectator watching the proceedings. But I've been thinking about it since past one week and your facts still hold their truth firmly in place. Why did we never realize that we were falling out of love ? When did it happen ? We have been sleeping in different bedrooms since a decade now. I dismissed this earlier using the excuse 'Everybody needs their own space'. I was such a fool. Anyway, I came today to tell you that you shouldn't stay because of the fear of this society or our girls. They seem to have taken more from me, they will live. I have never given you the love,the care and the support a woman deserves from her better half. I've failed you miserably but now, when somebody else is making you happy, I will support your decision. I owe you that much.'


He said the last words slowly, meaning every syllable of it. He didn't wait for my reply and strode out of the room. I was left dazed. These words were as close as Tanuj had ever got to my heart in these 20 years of our marriage.


But as I'm writing you right now, Tanuj's words are making more and more sense. Why should I worry about this hypocrite society when they don't care one bit for me ? They don't know what I've been through. I dare them to walk a mile in my shoes and then return to have a balanced argument. I have lived 20 years succumbing to my parent's will and 21 years to the man who never loved me. If I have to make a decision it has to be now. Or never.


I'm leaving you unfinished today. The next time I write you, I will be a happy woman.
And by the way, my first wrinkle started to surface today.


Love.